The Lord, unhappy that I have not posted to this blog in such a long time has taken to shitting on my bed. In response I’ve erected a wooden cross and mounted it on my nightstand. Not in remembrance of HIM but as a warning, “Shit on this bed again and you’ll get far worse than a beating.”
And now it is written by some guy (and therefore true and infallible) that the dog known as the Lord stays far from the room containing the shrine, the bed, of Saint Garion. At least now he does, because of the cross, the spare nails, and the convenient and meaningful placement of a hammer.
Church has been a horrible challenge lately. For those of you that don’t know, or care to remember, I am the full time minister of “Lesbian Love Church of God.” Most of the members are ex-marines who, having seen war, now hate all men and republicans. Since republicans seem to hate veterans, and men (according to them) are responsible for all wars. But I don’t concern myself with their politics and am chiefly concerned with theirs and everyone else’s spiritual well being. So we’ve started sending out raiding parties to the surrounding churches.
The conversion strategy is to ‘date and convert’, that is to encourage the women so terribly tired of the male dominated version of the religion, to think. The Lord speaking through me told them to gain the attention of these women by inserting the words, “and yet,” into various sermons, and more recently into the scripture itself through the use of a sharpie. Imagine a sermon…
Speaker: “God so loved the world,”
Lesbian Parishioners: “and yet,”
Speaker: “He gave His only-begotten Son…”
Well you can imagine the frustration of the speakers. Some of them who are brave, or foolish enough, to ask what they mean receive a quick and just reply,
Speaker: “What do you mean ‘and yet’?”
Lesbian Parishioner: “It means get fucked.”
And while I try to discourage that sort of outburst, as they are almost always counter productive, God (who is a shit bastard), eats it up.