The Demise of the Taco Bell Chihuahua

Sad to see the demise of the Taco Bell Chihuahua. No more little doggie. No more evil, wide eyed, hungry doggie creeping up on some unsuspecting human. If the dog actually was eating stuff from the Taco Bell menu, I wonder who had to clean up all that nasty poop? Oh well. Another American TV icon taken away in the prime of his/her life. Soon, we might hear about the doggie addicted to some sort of drug and wonder how we, as a society, went wrong and how we could have made its life just a little bit better.. Maybe the Chihuahua will beat up a transvestite dog. Then, we could get him his own radio show. That would be neat.

We like to keep up with the current trends. Therefore, we have decided to develop a reality/game show for a mid-season replacement series. The concept is we will take our cameras to a third world country and round up a group of starving people. Of course, we would do extensive background checks on all participants. Got caught stealing food to feed your family? You will not be on the show. We just want upstanding starving people.

We will pick 10 women and 10 men, the most sickly looking people we can find. The more sickly they look, the more TV addicts will root for them. That’s the American way.

We will fly these people to the United States, and set up camp in a supermarket. We will not feed them. We will have cameras set up all over the store to photograph their every move.

Now, on to the first test. The participants are hungry. They can smell some chicken roasting in the deli. The first person who breaks down and grabs something to eat is booted off the show.

Now we shall feed the remaining 19. We shall weigh them before we go on to our next test.

With the next test, we offer abundant amounts of food to the participants. We will give them an hour to eat as much as they can. After the hour is up, we will again weigh the participants. (We will get rid of participants by sex. Therefore, if a male was the first one booted off the show, a female has to go next.) Whoever has gained the least amount of weight after the one hour eating binge will be kicked off the show.

The first person who complains of a stomach ache will be kicked off the show.

The first person to vomit will be kicked off the show.

The first person to fall asleep will be kicked off the show.

The first person who lets out an audible fart will be kicked off the show.

We are now down to 14 remaining people. This is getting exciting!!

We will not feed them for a few more days. However, we will release 5 hungry tigers in the store. If the participants can catch a tiger with their bare hands and kill it, then they can eat it.

We don’t want anyone to die, because that would be slightly sick. Therefore, if one of the participants manages to get in a scuffle with one or more of the tigers, we will do our best to grab the participant before they are badly maimed. We expect to lose 8 participants with this test. We do have to make sure it is 4 men and 4 women who get kicked off the show. Hell, it won’t be live so we can edit the video, and nobody will know the difference.

Down to 6 participants. We will safely put the remaining folks in the freezer while we round up the tigers.

The first person to develop frostbite will be kicked off the show.

The first person who pounds on the locked freezer door asking for medical help for the person with frostbite will be kicked off the show.

16 down, 4 to go.

Again, we will allow them no food. After we notice that they are really hungry, we are going to have a bunch of old ladies offering the participants samples of assorted food. The old ladies will offer these samples to the participants every five minutes. The first person to break down and accept a sample will be kicked off the show. We will be down to either 2 women/1 man, or 2 men/1 woman. This is working out quite nicely.

We will now have the 2 same sex people try to find a strand of spaghetti that we hid in the store. Whoever finds it stays. We are now down to a man and a woman.

They will marry, of course. We will give this lucky couple $100.00 and a years supply of Lean Cuisine entrees, and send them on a lovely un-chaperoned boat trip back to their country.

This could be a huge hit. We just want to contribute more to the dumbification of American TV. I think I might have made up a new word there. “Dumbification”.

That’s it. I don’t want to type anymore.

COMING NEXT: Stuff about things I might have seen.

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Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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