Chick Shit for Chic Chicks Archive
Here’s the deal.
Chick Shit for Chic Chicks was written 2001 – 2006. The column actually had three different authors. However, in the process of switching servers, we lost the original posts and the corresponding dates. Luckily Bob had a text file of each submission, so we’re just adding them one week at a time, they’re timeless! This is what we have so far…
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Select a year for the list of columns.
- 04/24 - Did we cancel Melissa or what? (by Melissa Paternik)We regret to inform those that read Melissa’s column, that she is currently deathly ill. So deathly ill, as a matter of fact, she is almost dead. We rejoice! According…
- 04/17 - I Got a Visitor in Jail!!! (by Melissa Paternik)Since I’ve been in jail before, I know exactly how to handle myself and know how to keep out of trouble. Take my word, if one of your fellow inmates…
- 04/10 - I’m in a mental hospital!!! (by Melissa Paternik)Believe it or not, I’m in a mental hospital!!! I thought the trial was going my way, especially since I decided to represent myself. I figured that I had watched…
- 04/03 - Another Trial! (by Melissa Paternik)My trial ordeal is lasting a lot longer than I thought it would!! Hopefully it should end within the next week, but I don’t expect the verdict to be in…
- 03/27 - My Apology… (by Melissa Paternik)I need to apologize to Ralph and to everyone who read my column last week. I know it’s kind of weak, but it was my time of the month, and…
- 03/20 - I Got Caught! (by Melissa Paternik)Well, I got caught! I was in the kitchen making Ralph’s dinner when I heard someone screaming outside. I turned off the microwave and ran outside. The screaming continued and…
- 03/13 - Almost Busted!!! (by Melissa Paternik)I was almost busted!! I was tending to Ralph in the bedroom, like any good wife would do to THEIR husband, when there came a large crash from right outside…
- 03/06 - A Surprise in a Crate! (by Melissa Paternik)When I got home yesterday from job hunting, found a large crate on our front porch. I was very happy because I thought it might be the donkey that Ralph…
- 02/28 - I Get My Life in Order! (by Melissa Paternik)It seems that every time I get my life in order, someone goes out of their way to upset me. I don’t know why, but I guess a lot of…
- 02/21 - Getting to Know Ralph Again! (by Melissa Paternik)Ralph and I have spent the last week getting to know each other again. It’s been fantastic!!! As soon as we got home, he put me right to work cooking…
- 02/14 - Just In Time for Valentine’s Day…My Love Story!!! (by Melissa Paternik)I have the perfect Valentine’s story for you! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t…
- 02/07 - I am finally rid of Dana!!! (by Melissa Paternik)I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin. Since I like to read while Dana…
- 01/31 - Sometimes You Have Sell It!!! (by Melissa Paternik)When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more…
- 01/24 - He Hasn’t Run Away or Died! (by Melissa Paternik)Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast…
- 01/17 - It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day! (by Melissa Paternik)Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall…
- 01/10 - My Big Baby!!! (by Melissa Paternik)Well, my baby has grown to almost 4 feet tall!!! It’s amazing how much it’s grown in only two short weeks!! I don’t know if it’s because of the breast…
- 01/03 - My Well Behaved Baby!!! (by Melissa Paternik)Yes, it’s true, I gave birth last week!! On Christmas day I gave birth to a beautiful 33 lb 7 oz baby boy. The actual birth wasn’t as bad as…
- 12/27 - A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!? (by Melissa Paternik)From the editors of theweirdcrap.com: On this past Christmas Day, three hunters came across a young lady lying in the weeds next to a cardboard/wooden pallet contraption that beared a…
- 12/20 - A Christmas Miracle!!! (by Melissa Paternik)I was very depressed the last few days. I couldn’t help but wonder why some of the girls I work with get such nice stuff like virtually rust free Festiva’s…
- 12/13 - Baby Pictures? (by Melissa Paternik)I got my baby pictures back and they’re not what I expected. The guy that took the pictures told me that they take a long time to develop so he…
- 12/06 - Baby Pictures…From inside my belly!!! (by Melissa Paternik)I went out and had some pictures taken of the baby in my belly!! I got a great deal from a customer from the bar. When I told him that…
- 11/29 - My Thanksgiving Present! (by Melissa Paternik)I got a present at work on Thanksgiving!! It was a fairly slow day at the bar, what with everyone celebrating the holiday with their families, but since I am…
- 11/22 - My New Bundle of Alien Joy!!! (by Melissa Paternik)There must be some sort of bug going around because I found out that I’m pregnant too!!! When I went to a doctor last week, he ran a few tests…
- 11/15 - Getting Ready For Thanksgiving! (by Melissa Paternik)I was going to have a contest with the prize being me for Thanksgiving, but I was told that this might be considered illegal by some people. Sorry guys and…
- 11/08 - Ralph and Law Enforcement! (by Melissa Paternik)I guess the law enforcement people think that since Ralph hits me in the stomach daily with a 2X4, I am a victim of spousal abuse. At least that is…
- 11/01 - Poor Ralph! (by Melissa Paternik)My poor Ralph has to spend the next 90 days in jail because the stupid judge thought that it would teach him a lesson. I went to court to support…
- 10/25 - My Bloat – Myself (by Melissa Paternik)One of the worst problems to have, especially if you’re a go-go dancer, is that bloated feeling from water retention. Whenever that happens, it can make for quite an uncomfortable…
- 10/18 - Phone Sex? (by Melissa Paternik)Note: Due to the writer’s strike, we are posting some of Melissa’s favorite columns, including this phone sex deal-e-o! I was going to offer some more tips today, but I…
- 10/04 - A Touching Email… (by Melissa Paternik)I received a lovely email from Phil that is so touching: “hey melissa, you kin cum live with me sweety i’ll give you a spot right between me my sister…
- 09/27 - Job Hunting! (by Melissa Paternik)Job hunting is so hard! I have spent the last week filling out applications everywhere imaginable, but I finally found a great way to make money!!! At least the job…
- 09/20 - I’m back!!! (by Melissa Paternik)I’m back again! I need to clear up some of the misinformation that has been written about me the last two weeks: A) I was in jail, but I never…
- 09/13 - A Fugitive From Justice (by Melissa Paternik)Here’s the latest update on Melissa, fugitive from justice, go-go dancer and all-around woman of the world: We hired some cheap investigators to track down Melissa. What they have reported…
- 09/06 - Finally Out? (by Melissa Paternik)We are sorry to inform those who look forward to Melissa’s words of wisdom every week that she is missing. We were told by prison authorities that she had escaped…
- 08/30 - I Should be Free Soon! (by Melissa Paternik)I should be a free woman, but I’m still in jail!!! I tried to keep a low profile and I was even allowed to get a prison job cleaning and…
- 08/23 - Still in Jail! (by Melissa Paternik)I’m still in jail!! I was only supposed to be in for a week, but my stay was extended because I was in a fight the first day I was…
- 08/16 - A Little Bit Angry! (by Melissa Paternik)I am a little bit angry right now!! Instead of going on vacation, I am going to have to spend a week in jail because I killed someone!!! I didn’t…
- 08/09 - I AM VERY ANGRY!!! (by Melissa Paternik)I am very angry!!! Even though I let myself be probed by some aliens, nobody has been in contact with me to tell my story to people worldwide. I thought…
- 08/02 - My Cookies Are a Big Hit! (by Melissa Paternik)I still haven’t received any calls from the newspapers about my alien abduction, but I’m sure they’re going to come!! In the meantime, I’ve been having lots of fun!! I…
- 07/26 - The Most Incredible Week! (by Melissa Paternik)Hello, I’m back!!!! I just experienced the most incredible week of my life!!! I am a bit shook up about it and it was an experience I will never, ever…
- 07/19 - Gone Missing? (by Melissa Paternik)You might be expecting something from my wife, but she’s missing. I didn’t notice that she was gone until I started to get hungry and discovered that she had been…
- 07/12 - Dear Melissa, Fan Mail! (by Melissa Paternik)“Dear Melissa, I have been married for over 7 years. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that the spark in my marriage is gone. No matter what I do,…
- 07/05 - Forget What I said…Tapeworms!!! (by Melissa Paternik)Poor Ralph!! He had a tapeworm that made him so uncomfortable, that my tip for this week is going to be about getting rid of tapeworms instead of what I…
- 06/28 - A Special Surprise! (by Melissa Paternik)Good thing our webmaster decided to take a little time off since I promised a special surprise which I wouldn’t have been able to pull off!!! I told Ralph that…
- 06/21 - Career Day! (by Melissa Paternik)I was very proud that I was able to attend career day at a local school!! At first I was a bit apprehensive since I am a dancer, but I…
- 06/14 - Wedding Vows! (by Melissa Paternik)Ralph and I decided to renew our wedding vows this past weekend!! We have been married for 5 years and have had our share of problems but have been able…
- 06/07 - The Paint Job! (by Melissa Paternik)Ralph and I decided to paint our trailer since it hadn’t been done for the past 10 years. We thought it was going to be such a simple job, but…
- 05/31 - Oops, I did it again! (by Melissa Paternik)Oops!!! Some people got a bit confused on what I was going to write about this week. I guess it came out sounding like I was going to show off…
- 05/24 - Head Cleaning… (by Melissa Paternik)Oh boy, did I ever make a big mistake!! It seems that a lot of people, like Jim N., are confused about what I meant when I said I was…
- 05/17 - Ok To Be Spanked? (by Melissa Paternik)I received a wonderful email from Marissa, regarding my marriage to Ralph, my wonderful husband!! I think Marissa was a bit concerned because Ralph has a tendency to spring surprise…
- 05/10 - Quality Time! (by Melissa Paternik)Ralph has been promising me some quality time and it finally happened!!! This past Sunday morning, I came home from a full night of work. Sunday is the day that…
- 05/03 - Likes and Dislikes! (by Melissa Paternik)I have received a lot of email regarding the comment I made about lice on the heads of trailer park kids. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, but I was…
- 04/26 - My Blackouts! (by Melissa Paternik)Since I do work in a go-go bar, a lot of the patrons ask me what it takes to get me drunk. I can tell you truthfully, it doesn’t take…
- 04/19 - Sewing Tips? (by Melissa Paternik)I was supposed to talk about sewing tips but too be quite truthful, I am not that good with needles and thread. I once had to fix a pair of…
- 04/12 - Time to Talk Gardening! (by Melissa Paternik)Spring is here and it’s time for me to talk gardening!! For many years, Ralph and I have tried hard to cultivate a garden in back of our trailer. Since…
- 04/05 - Pimples to Go-Go! (by Melissa Paternik)One of the worst things that can happen if, like me, you are in the go-go dancing profession is the unsightly pimple. I can’t tell you how many times I…
- 03/29 - They Want Pictures of my Ass! (by Melissa Paternik)I received an email from “hoeve” which stated that they like bunnies. Not just bunnies as a whole, but specific parts of the bunny. I like bunnies too and think…
- 03/22 - The First Time! (by Melissa Paternik)I received a nice letter recently from a concerned mom in Kansas. She wrote that her son was 18 and was considering having sex for the very first time. The…
- 03/15 - Easter is On its Way! (by Melissa Paternik)Since Easter is only a few weeks away, I figured that this would be the perfect time for some Easter tips!!! I personally think that one of the worst things…
- 03/08 - Together Again! (by Melissa Paternik)Well, since I couldn’t sell Dana, it seemed like a good idea to get him a job at a Nebraska meat packing plant where he could meet other kids and…
- 03/01 - No Use Anymore… (by Melissa Paternik)When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more…
- 02/22 - What to do with Dana? (by Melissa Paternik)Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast…
- 02/15 - Bring Your Kid to Work Day (by Melissa Paternik)Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall…
- 01/29 - My Growing Baby! (by Melissa Paternik)Well, my baby has grown to almost 4 feet tall!!! It’s amazing how much it’s grown in only two short weeks!! I don’t know if it’s because of the breast…
- 01/07 - I Had a Baby! (by Melissa Paternik)Yes it’s true, I gave birth last week!! On Christmas day I gave birth to a beautiful 33 lb 7 oz baby boy. The actual birth wasn’t as bad as…
- 10/15 - What Ever Happened to Melissa? (by Melissa Paternik)Here’s the latest update on Melissa, fugitive from justice, go-go dancer and all around slut: We hired some cheap investigators to track down Melissa. What they have reported to us…
- 08/21 - My Beef With Bob… (by Melissa Paternik)I am very upset with Bob!! He claims that I said that he owes me money for performing sexual favors on him during our Christmas party last year. This is…
- 06/20 - Wedding Vows! (by Melissa Paternik)Ralph and I decided to renew our wedding vows this past weekend!! We have been married for 5 years and have had our share of problems but have been able…
- 05/30 - Cleaning Tips! (by Melissa Paternik)by Melissa Paternick Oh boy, did I ever make a big mistake when I last mentioned my cleaning tips!! It seems that a lot of people, like Jim N., are…
- 05/01 - My Drinking Habit… (by Melissa Paternik)Since I do work in a go go bar, a lot of the patrons ask me what it takes to get me drunk. I can tell you truthfully, it doesn’t…
- 04/10 - An Unexpected Visit! (by Melissa Paternik)One of the worst things that can happen if, like me, you are in the prostitution/go go dancing profession is the unsightly pimple. I can’t tell you how many times…
- 02/25 - My Phone Sex Business (by Melissa Paternik)I thought the phone sex business I started was going to make lots of money until my next door neighbor asked me how I would know if the credit card…
- 01/16 - Aliens, Jail and Probes, Oh my… (by Melissa Paternik)When I got home early Sunday morning from work, I was surprised when I noticed that Ralph was not home. I called around the trailer park but nobody knew where…
- 01/01 - My New Year’s Eve Party (by Melissa Paternik)In this edition of Chick Shit for Chic Chicks I would like to tell you about our New Year’s Eve party. Which was quite a success, unlike last year when…
- 12/12 - My New Job at the Go-Go Bar! (by Melissa Paternik)I completed my first full week of work at the go-go bar. I made $27.00 in tips for the whole week, and I think that is pretty darn good. I…
- 11/06 - Hollarwein is Over… (by Melissa Paternik)I received a lovely email from Phil that is so touching: “hey melissa, you kin cum live with me sweety i’ll give you a spot right between me my sister…
- 08/08 - Question 27? (by Melissa Paternik)I was going to write something to do with hygiene tips, but I am having problems with my GED studies so I decided to discuss that instead. I always thought…
