Time for my Thanksgiving Tips.
Tip #1: I need to make a clarification to all the stupid people sending me email asking me stupid questions about stupid things:
I AM NOT HERE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOLIDAY COOKING. I COULD CARE LESS IF YOUR STUFFING IS TOO DRY, OR IF YOUR SWEET POTATOES ARE NOT CREAMY.
SINCE I HAVE PEOPLE COOK FOR ME, I AM NOT PATHETIC LIKE YOU AND STAND AROUND A STOVE DURING THE HOLIDAYS TRYING TO MAKE THE PERFECT FEAST. I AM TOO GOOD FOR SOMETHING AS DEMEANING AS THAT.
I AM HERE TO MAKE YOUR WORTHLESS LIFE BETTER, NOT YOUR COOKING.
Good. That’s taken care of. I wrote in caps since stupid people can only
understand big things, as long as they’re not words.
Tip #2: The following is from Charles in Lubbock, TX.
“Hi,
Hope you can help me. I always go home for Thanksgiving and my parents always fight causing me to leave early since I get so depressed.
On Christmas, they visit me and soon they start fighting and leave after a couple of hours. I don’t think that they should stay together if they continue to fight like that. How can I tell them that maybe it’s time for them to separate?”
Oh, come on Charles!! Are you really that dumb to not figure out what’s going on?
It’s obvious that your parents absolutely hate your guts! They don’t want to come out and say it to you because they are afraid that they would hurt your feelings especially since you’re such a baby.
The less time they see you the better they feel. You weren’t a good child and definitely didn’t turn out the way that they wanted.
If you don’t believe me, go ahead and call them and tell them you won’t be able to come over for Thanksgiving. Don’t push your luck and tell them you have a date, since that is totally unbelievable.
Just make up some lame excuse and then go on over to their house. Park your car or bicycle up the street so they don’t know that you’re around (like they would care anyway) and peek through the windows. I can guarantee that they won’t be fighting. They’ll be happy and joyous that you’re not around.
Good Luck, Charles.
NEXT WEEK: I straighten out someone else. Probably you.
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