Career Day!

I was very proud that I was able to attend career day at a local school!!

At first I was a bit apprehensive since I am a dancer, but I figured that since I do live in Nebraska and the only jobs for women in this state are either convenience store clerk or go-go dancer, I could help point the soon-to-be graduates on the right career choice!!

I was nervous about doing this since I could have a profound impact on a young girl’s life. I told Ralph about my nervousness and he told me not to worry about it and to go fetch him a beer. I felt so much better!!

I wanted to be different from the other ladies who showed up for career day. I watched as the first lady went on stage and showed how to count out correct change and how to give a convenience store customer proper directions to the cooler.

She did it so well that my nervousness came back!! I was shaking like the hand of a 95 year old customer trying to hand me a wrinkled dollar bill.

Finally it was my turn. I walked onto the stage and started to dance, all the while explaining how to keep eye contact with the customer.
When I got to the part about the proper etiquette in bending over to pick up loose change that customers sometimes throw on the stage, I noticed that most of the school kids were losing interest.

I was supposed to demonstrate the technique of lap dancing, but decided to skip that and go to the big money maker.

I had seen one of the dancers at the bar shooting grapes out of her private parts and it was quite the show stopper!! She made a lot of money doing that and I decided that I needed to learn how so that I could make lots more money.

I practiced at home and tried grapes, raisins, quarters and shot glasses, but all those objects were kind of boring. I wanted to be able to shoot something out of my body that would be fun for the patrons!!!

I decided to debut my new skill at career day. If I failed, it was no big loss since the convenience store business is always looking for help.

I lay down on the stage and started shoving Matchbox cars into me. This grabbed the students’ attention and they watched me in awe.

After I put 10 of the tiny metal cars into me, I started to squeeze them out. I was so proud when I heard the students cheering as the cars came shooting out of me into the audience!!!

When I was done, I got a standing ovation!! The principal came over to me and I noticed that he had tears in his eyes. He thanked me and told me that there was no doubt that I guided a majority of the female students onto the right career path!!

That same night at work I showed off what I could do. Tips doubled for me and the patrons seemed quite happy because they were able to take the toys home to give to their kids!!!

See ya!!

NEXT WEEK: A Special Treat!!!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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