Sewing Tips?

I was supposed to talk about sewing tips but too be quite truthful, I am not that good with needles and thread.

I once had to fix a pair of Ralph’s jeans, but I couldn’t put the thread through the eye of the needle. Since they were his favorite pair, I knew that I would have to fix them somehow, so I used staples.

I used a blue Magic Marker to color the staples and I thought it looked pretty good!! You could barely notice the staples after I colored them in and I thought I had come across something big.

One of my costumes was ripped in a few places and I used staples to close those holes. Again I used Magic Markers to color the staples and my costumes looked as good as new!!

When I danced that night, I felt special! My costumes were looking good and I was putting extra effort into every move on stage. However, I do sweat quite a bit while I dance and sweat and metal rubbing against your body do not mix!!

I developed quite a rash on my backside from the sweaty staples! The worst thing, though, was when I bent over, and a staple decided to snag a part of my body that is too private to mention here!!

I was in agony! Every time I moved, the staple would dig in deeper and deeper! It hurt so much that I started to cry. This caused the customers to feel really sorry for me and they started throwing their loose change at me.

I had no choice but to bend over to pick up the pennies and nickels, which caused the staple to penetrate even deeper. I finally collected all the change and ran to the dressing room.

I tried to yank the staple out, but it was too painful. The owner of the bar had to call the ambulance and the paramedics had to use pliers to wiggle the staple loose. I was so embarrassed!

When I got home, Ralph was lying on the living room floor, rolling around in pain! One of the staples in his jeans had hooked his testicle sack and wouldn’t let go!

Since I watched the paramedics when they removed the staple from me, I knew exactly what to do. I grabbed some pliers and pulled and yanked at the staple until it popped free.

Ralph thanked me and had me run to get him some beer. He promised me that I would not get my “punishment” until later on since I had learned my lesson on using staples. What a dear!!!

NEXT WEEK: How to get me drunk!!!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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