Time to Talk Gardening!

Spring is here and it’s time for me to talk gardening!!

For many years, Ralph and I have tried hard to cultivate a garden in back of our trailer. Since it is quite hard to grow vegetables in rock, we had to come up with a better plan.

One of Ralph’s part time jobs is road cleanup. He travels around our town and picks up roadkill and then he is supposed to bring the broken bodies to the town incinerator.

With our gardening woes, Ralph came upon a much better idea. Instead of burning the dead creatures, he brought them home because the lifeless bodies are still chock full of nourishment!!

We went to a local garden shop and bought a couple of bucket loads of dirt. Not the high tech dirt, but regular old dirt. This was basically a money saving measure and, to us, dirt is dirt.

We took the dirt home and dumped it in the backyard. Ralph drank beer until his bladder was completely full and then urinated on the pile of dirt because pee is filled with many minerals that help stimulate growth.

We buried some of the roadkill in the dirt and planted our tomato and cucumber plants. Some of the animals were not buried because the fur was pretty much intact and I figured that it would be pretty neat if I stripped the fur from the bodies in order to make a new costume for work!!

After stripping the fur, I had a bunch of naked dead animals lying around the kitchen. Instead of burying them in the garden, we decided that we would throw the remains in the blender so that we could turn them into a liquid mush to dump on the plants!!

This worked quite well until I saw one of the dead animals staring at me as it rested in the blender. This brought tears to my eyes and I ran from the kitchen, so Ralph had to finish pureeing the remaining bodies.

Now I am quite happy to tell you that the dead animal mush is working quite well!! Our plants are thriving, but we do have a slight problem with flies and there is also a very nasty smell coming from the garden. I think it might be due to Ralph peeing back there, but since the vegetables are starting to look quite tasty, I’m not too worried about it!!!

Maybe we’ll open our own vegetable stand and invite you, so stay tuned!!!

NEXT WEEK: Sewing tips!

More Chick Shit for Chic Chicks!

A new Chick Shit column every Wednesday!

Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Enjoyed this? Please spread the word :)