My New Year’s Eve Party

In this edition of Chick Shit for Chic Chicks I would like to tell you about our New Year’s Eve party. Which was quite a success, unlike last year when Mr. Patton, our elderly next-door neighbor, was tragically killed.

Ralph accidentally shot him as he sat in his lawn chair watching the end of the millennium fireworks. Ralph meant to fire it straight into the air but slipped on a puddle of oil on the driveway which caused him to shoot Mr. Patton instead. The paramedics told us it wasn’t the bullet that killed him, nor was it the fact that he fell headfirst to the pavement below.

The final cause of death was due to him being run over by an overzealous lad who was showing off his new 4-wheeler to some friends of his. When he ran over Mr. Patton’s body as he struggled to get up, the heavy machine just happened to shatter his brittle backbone into millions of tiny shards, and one of them unluckily enlodged itself in Mr. Patton’s brain when he sneezed, killing him instantly. Needless to say, we didn’t have a lot of fun celebrating last year.

I worked a triple shift at the bar on Saturday so I could have money to buy party favors and alcohol and snacks for our New Year’s Eve guests. People seemed to be really generous on that day because I made $23.72 working for 21 straight hours!

The guests started arriving at about 7 pm and pretty soon our trailer home was filled! I spent a lot of time in the kitchen because the guests seemed to absolutely adore my ketchup and mayonnaise dip. We almost had a crisis when we ran out of potato sticks, but my neighbor who lives behind me ran home and grabbed an extra can she had. She had set them aside for her kids dinner for that night, but she realized how important this party was and for that I am extremely grateful!

By 7:30 all the guests were completely drunk and were either passed out or vomiting on our front lawn. I was also feeling pretty tipsy but, since I was the hostess, I managed to keep going!

After 7:45 I really don’t remember anything. When I woke up, I was naked in the bathtub and there was a donkey chewing on my toes. I called for Ralph and he took that donkey right out of our home and sent it on its merry way. I was so proud of Ralph because he didn’t seemed to be mad at seeing a donkey in our home, but acted as if he knew it was there all along. That’s what I love about Ralph. He just seems to never let the strange things get him down.

Right now I have to go do some exercises because I have noticed that I have gained some extra weight recently. Thanks for reading!

Next Time: Exercise tips!

Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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