I get a lot of mail from pathetic people asking me tips on dating, especially tips for the dreaded first date.
Answering this mail would be a complete waste of time on my part since I figure that anyone who would ask for tips on something as simple as dating, is a loser.
Yet I do answer mail in my column every week from losers, so I guess I have that double standard thing going on. Remember, it’s my column, so I can do what I want.
Take this week’s column. I’m NOT going to answer someone’s cry for help. Instead, I’m going to give all of you some dating tips so I guess you can say that I’m a liar since I said I wouldn’t answer any mail about first dates.
Whatever.
Just read what I write and you’ll become a better person.
FIRST DATE DO’S:
1) Don’t wear any makeup. Make him see you as you really are (I have natural beauty so I look good with or without makeup). If he likes what he sees, he’ll come back. If he doesn’t, screw him. But not literally, don’t sleep with him! Even if he begs.
2) Make sure he comes to your house and walks to the door like a gentleman. If he climbs out of his car window like one of them duke-boys, tell him you can’t make go. Make any excuse you can think of, like your grandma died. If he passes the test and you let him in, walk around half naked while getting ready, so he can see what he will never have.
3) When you’re out in public, pretend you’re ignoring him and scope out the other guys. This will make him jealous and he’ll really want to sleep with you to prove his manhood. Tell him too bad, you’re not that kind of girl. Then he’ll try harder by showering you with gifts.
4) If you want to get rid of him for any reason, just tell him you have a social disease. If he still asks you to sleep with him…don’t! He doesn’t care because HE has the social disease.
5) If he’s one of “those guys” that doesn’t even try to have sex on the first date, start crying and say you’re only attracted to real-men. Then, when he makes his “move”, tell him you’re not that kind of girl, and you just wanted him to want to have sex with you. Keep him guessing and confused. Then make him leave before he gets too riled up! If he gets YOU all worked up…still don’t sleep with him, remember, after he’s gone you can always open up a bottle of wine, read a hot an heavy novel and “entertain” yourself.
6) Expect him pay for everything. If he doesn’t, gently offer to pay your half, take out your phone and get an Uber or a taxi and tell you don’t want him to have to go out of his way. Life is short, you don’t have time to be some man-boy’s mommy.
7) When the date is over, if you’ve had an enjoyable time, tell him and give him a friendly hug. DON’T kiss him. Kissing him will make him want and fantasize about you even more. DON’T INVITE HIM IN!!! Even if you think he’s someone you’d like to have sex with someday…don’t. If it’s too easy to get you in the sack, he’ll probably never call you again! Remember, the male mind is nothing more than a mixture of bullshit, ass-holness, and testosterone.
And there you have my 7 dating rules. I have used them for many, many years and have had many, many dates, so they do work.
If they don’t work for you then you have some serious issues that you should seek professional help for.
NEXT WEEK: What about the second date?
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