Gone Missing?

You might be expecting something from my wife, but she’s missing. I didn’t notice that she was gone until I started to get hungry and discovered that she had been gone for three days.

If anyone knows where she is, please email this website. I think she’s sleeping with that Bob person, but I’m not too sure.

I guess they’re going to post on of her old things that she wrote this week. And don’t worry about me because the lady next door has been making sure I’m eating and she’s keeping me company.


Here is an encore commentary by Melissa:

I failed the GED miserably. I do not know if it was because I was tired since I was up all night serving Ralph and his poker buddies, or if it is because I am incredibly stupid. I think it could be the former, but it might also be the latter.

When I was informed that I had failed, I was depressed. I knew that Ralph would not take me to Chuck E Cheese to celebrate and, most importantly, I would not be able to work at the local convenience store.

Ralph was kind of understanding, in his own way. He does not believe in “spare the rod”, but I appreciate him for putting everything in perspective.

I decided that I would try and get a job at the local go-go bar. When I told Ralph he laughed and said my breasts were way to small. That kind of hurt my feelings but I decided to give it a go.

I was immediately hired to be a dancer. I worked for 8 hours my first day and Ralph was very surprised and very happy when I showed him how much I made in tips.

He held the 5 dollar bill for the longest time with the happiest smile I had ever seen. He told me that if I made this much every night that soon we would be able to move from the trailer park into a spacious 1 room apartment! I was so happy that I burst into tears.

We decided to celebrate so Ralph told me to run down to the store and pick him up a pack of smokes and a quart of beer. It made me so proud to buy these things with my own money, I tell you!

The next day I made only $3.00 but Ralph told me that I could work a double shift the next day to make up the difference. As it happens, tomorrow is that next day and I have to get my rest, right after Ralph shows me what he means by “style of the dog”.

NEXT WEEK: Scrumptious pastries!!!!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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