Forget What I said…Tapeworms!!!

Poor Ralph!! He had a tapeworm that made him so uncomfortable, that my tip for this week is going to be about getting rid of tapeworms instead of what I promised!!

It started when Ralph had diarrhea. Normally this wouldn’t be too abnormal since we live in a trailer park, but this diarrhea was different from all the rest.

He went to a doctor and was given some medicine, but it did not work. He was in so much discomfort that I had to do something quick!!

I asked around and found out that tapeworms love cheese!! I went to the store and bought a bag of Kraft cheese cubes, some fishing line and fishing hooks.

When I got home, Ralph was lying on the couch moaning. I showed him what I got and that seemed to perk him up a bit!!

I took a few of the cheese cubes and stuck a fish hook in each one, then I tied some fishing line on each hook.

I then told Ralph that I would have to stick the cheese up his butt. He was too sick to complain and went ahead and pulled his pants down and bent down.

I took the cheese cubes and stuck them up his butt. The fishing line I tied around my fingers so, when I felt a tug, I could pull the line and hopefully yank the tapeworm out of Ralph!!!

For the next few days Ralph did not leave my side. I kept the fishing lines tied around my fingers hoping that the tapeworm would go for the cheese.

It finally happened when I was dancing at the go go bar. I felt a tug on one of the lines in the middle of my set and I pulled the line as hard as I could.

I heard a scream and saw Ralph fall face down to the floor as I pulled the six foot tapeworm from his butt. The worm landed on the stage with a half eaten cheese cube still in it mouth. I crushed it with my heels and finished my set.

Ralph was passed out on the floor and didn’t wake up for a few hours. When he did, I gently pulled the other cheese cubes from his ass and placed them, along with the crushed tapeworm, in a beer glass so Ralph could have them as a little memento!

Ralph’s diarrhea is now back to normal and we have a great conversation piece sitting on our coffee table in the living room!!!

NEXT WEEK: Love tips!!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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