We are sorry to inform those who look forward to Melissa’s words of wisdom every week that she is missing.
We were told by prison authorities that she had escaped with 10 other prisoners and a statewide manhunt is in progress. We have no idea why she would escape or how she could have planned it since she has a brain the size of a shriveled grape.
We guess that she was taken hostage and forced to escape. We can only hope that one of the other prisoners whacked her on the head hard enough to knock he senseless and she is now wandering aimlessly around the country wondering who she is. Again, that is our hope.
Bob is particularly devastated by this news for some unfathomable reason. Maybe the rumors floating around the office regarding Bob and Melissa are true, but thinking about that would cause a normal human to vomit repeatedly with so much force that it would feel as if your kidneys and intestines are trying to force their way up your throat in order to see the light of day.
We have cooperated fully with the authorities with the hope that they can find her. We have also supplied them with many weapons because we know that she will resist with all her might. Okay, that might not be true, but we want the authorities to be prepared for all possibilities and having them armed to the teeth when they finally corner the bitch wouldn’t hurt.
Her husband, Ralph, supports us 100%. He is ready to move on with his life and any interested woman should get in contact with him. If you are interested, just send an email to our webmaster and he will be more than happy to pass any message on to Ralph.
Don’t cry for Melissa. Letting her go with clean your mind and soul and make your life easier to live. She’s as good as gone and we don’t care. Neither should you.
Thank you,
Theweirdcrap staff
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