Wedding Vows!

Ralph and I decided to renew our wedding vows this past weekend!!

We have been married for 5 years and have had our share of problems but have been able to work them out and become closer. Ralph also told me that we would be able to get lots of free food and alcohol from the invited guests.

We wanted it to mirror our original wedding, but that caused a few problems!!!

Our original ring bearer was Ralph’s pet pig, but it died. I was bathing it one day and ran to get the phone. When I came back, the pig was floating upside down in the tub. I cried for a while and then told Ralph, but he said it was all right since he was hungry and pork sounded good for dinner!!

I was given away by my father, but he ran away with one of the bridesmaid’s who happened to be Ralph’s sister. I decided it wouldn’t be wise to invite either of them back.
The best man is now a woman. She actually works with me at the go-go bar, so we decided she could be a bridesmaid.

My mother was the organist, but she died when a tornado touched down in her trailer park sucking her and her garden gnomes to their death. That was a pretty sad time of my life.

We picked one of our neighbor’s children to be the ring bearer since he liked to walk around on all fours since he was a bit slow. As long as we pointed him in the right direction, we felt he would be a suitable replacement for the pig.

For my other bridemaids, we picked some of the women that I dance with. Ralph picked his parole officer to be best man.

I was in tears when I looked out at the audience and saw that there were four people. This was double the amount of people that saw my original wedding!! I was so happy!!

The renewal of our vows went off without a hitch until it was time for the rings. Our ring bearer decided to eat them because he likes the taste of shiny things!! We didn’t let this ruin the day and continued with the ceremony, but I did have to keep my eye on the ring bearer for the next three days until he pooped and I got our rings back.

We had a nice little party after our renewal of vows then I went to work and Ralph went downtown to celebrate with some of his friends. All in all a great day!!

See ya!!

COMING NEXT: A special treat!!!

Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.


Enjoyed this? Please spread the word :)