Well, since I couldn’t sell Dana, it seemed like a good idea to get him a job at a Nebraska meat packing plant where he could meet other kids and make friends!
Wouldn’t you know, once Dana started making money, it got its own place to live and didn’t want me around anymore.
I know when I’m not wanted, so I left knowing I did a good job raising him these last few weeks.
But here’s some news!
Ralph and I are a couple again!!
It couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t get any worse and then I was rescued by my knight in shining armor!!!
Last Thursday, I was scrounging in a garbage can looking for some scraps of food to take home when I noticed a man looking through another garbage can further up the alley.
I walked up to him to see what kind of selection he had in his garbage can. At first he wouldn’t answer me and wouldn’t let me near the can, but he eventually did and we had fun rooting through the garbage, finding tasty morsels of food!!!
We hung around each other for the next few days. He taught me where and when the best time was to dig through garbage for food. He also was the greatest listener I have ever been around because he would let me talk and talk and would never interrupt me.
I found myself falling in love with this man. We soon were walking hand in hand down the main street of town, oblivious to all the stares and rude comments directed at us by the locals.
On the day we were going to my place in the woods to consummate our love, we came across a large dumpster full of food. A majority of it was rotten or moldy, but we jumped into the dumpster and started to tear off the portions of the food that looked and smelled edible.
We were so caught up in our discovery that we didn’t know that someone had walked up to the dumpster and was staring at us. I happened to look up and found myself looking at my dear Ralph!!!
He pulled me out of the dumpster and then pulled my friend out. Ralph asked me if I was alright and, after I told him I was, he picked up an old tire that was lying on the ground and used it to repeatedly bounce it off my friends head.
After 10 or so whacks, my friend collapsed to the ground and started twitching. Ralph kicked him a few times until my friend was still, then he took my arm and pulled me over to his truck then threw me into the truck bed. It was so romantic!
When we got home, Ralph scolded me about leaving him and told me I would be punished after I was finished cooking his dinner.
I’m actually still waiting for my punishment because he got drunk and passed out that night, but whatever the punishment is, I deserve it because the man I love says so!!!
NEXT WEEK: My punishment!!!
A new Chick Shit column every Wednesday!