Another week of pathetic Email from with one person saying I have crazy advice. The nerve!
I’m just trying to help people like you, who are begging me to help with their pitiful lives. I’m not complaining. I’m just stating a simple fact.
Good thing that I’m around. As soon as I have the entire planet following my advice, I’ll be happier and maybe I’ll be able to smile at a stranger.
But for know, I’ll treat everyone as something less than me. Read the following email from Julie F. in Provo Utah and you’ll see how much work I have ahead of me.
“Hi!
I am going to married soon, but am now having second thoughts.
I recently went to my boyfriend’s apartment and snuck in because I wanted to surprise him. I was surprised though when I found him touching himself while surfing on his computer!
I was totally disgusted and left immediately. I don’t think he knows I was there but he might think something is up since I haven’t spoken to him since this incident which was over two weeks ago.
What should I do? I think I still love him but am not too sure.
Thanks for you help,
Julie”
Julie, I checked up on my law and found out that if you are caught “touching yourself” in Utah you will have your hands chopped off. This wouldn’t be a good thing especially for newlyweds since having sex with someone with no hands would feel all wrong.
Imagine you’re on your honeymoon and it’s that time to consummate the marriage. What if you’re boyfriend is one of those guys into the animal type sex? How can he grab onto one of your body parts if he only has stumps? Also, if he’s one of those missionary position type of guys, how can he support his body weight on stumps? Especially stumps with bandages on them!
Smart move Julie, turning your boyfriend into the Utah internet authorities. Just because he was doing something that felt good you had to blow it for him and wreck his life.
You have no choice but to marry him now. You have completely screwed up his life because of your puritanical beliefs. I just hope for your sake that he doesn’t get some sort of metal claws to replace his missing hands since those will be quite painful during your lovemaking sessions.
Goodbye Julie and good luck with your life.
NEXT WEEK: I get in the holiday spirit and help an unfortunate family!
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