I would like to start by embracing gratitude by thanking those of you that recently sent me emails, especially those that were concerned that I might be spending the holiday alone.
Quite frankly, it’s really nobody’s business how I spend my holidays! If I want to roll around in a bathtub filled with pork and red beans, that’s my prerogative. I don’t need anyone inviting me over for food and fun because I can find enough fun things to do around my own house, thank you very much.
For those of you that really want to know, I plan to go to Denny’s on Thanksgiving. That’s what I want to do. It will be a fine dinner and I will have the pleasure of meeting other single people like me at that fine eating establishment. Maybe I’ll go home with one or two of them after dinner, but again, that’s my ow business.
I just wonder what you pathetic people will send me on Christmas. Gee, I just can’t wait.
Another pathetic person sent me the following email. His name is Dave and he’s from Iowa or Nebraska. Oh, who the hell cares? I’m quite sure he has written to this site before. He obviously needs to get a life.
“Hi,
My new girlfriend refuses to have sex with me with her on top. She claims that she tried it once before and got stuck and is scared to try it again.
What should I do? I love this woman and don’t think I can marry her if she refuses to get on top.
Thanks, Dave.”
Well Dave, it seems that you have a legitimate problem there. I’m guessing reverse cow-girl is out of the question for you. As it should be, what woman wants to stare at hairy legs and dirty unkept tonails during sex! The funny thing is, your problem is something that can never be corrected.
you see, you’re a loser.
You have a loser girlfriend.
She once got stuck? What was she having sex with? I only ask because I remember when I was a kid during summer vacation, I saw two dogs having sex get stuck and they had to be hosed down.
Maybe you should find out what your girlfriend had sex with before you go spreading around her little problem with your beer drinking buddies. I can guarantee that it was with some animal and that is one dirty girl that you don’t want to be involved with, much less marry. But if that’s the best you can do, you’ll just have to live with your stinky little fantasy, unfullfilled.
Maybe it’s because you’re incredibly ugly and she doesn’t want to have to look down on your hideous face. That would make sense.
If you still want to stay with her, just point out to her that you aren’t well endowed at all and there is no way that she could get stuck. That might do the trick. If not, just be happy there’s a girl out there stupid enough to have sex with you at all.
NEXT WEEK: More problems? My god, what is it with you people?
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