The First Time!

I received a nice letter recently from a concerned mom in Kansas. She wrote that her son was 18 and was considering having sex for the very first time.

The boy has not ever had sex with anyone before and his mother is concerned that he would contact a disease since it was with a woman who had obviously had sex before. I was going to write her back but decided to write my answer here because there are probably other mothers who have the same concerns.

My best advice would be for the boy to find someone else to have sex with first so that he wouldn’t let the older lady down. Since it is his first time, I recommend that he get some practice first so he knows what to expect.

If the boy is too shy, there are other ways to practice. One of the favorites is to get some ground beef, roll it into a ball and make a hole in it that is big enough for the penis to fit. It is a good thing to microwave it for a few seconds, because it is not a good thing for any male to place his penis in something cold.

I have heard that ground beef feels almost exactly like a woman’s vagina. This is something I would not know because I really can’t afford to buy any meat. I do know that the meat can only be used a few times, because it can spoil very quickly. As long as the boy uses it a few times and then cooks it for a barbecue or something, he would be getting two uses out of it which would be great!!

I have also heard that pineapple rings are quite good also. I would again recommend males heat them up a bit and make sure they use as much of the pineapple juice as possible. Another thing a penis can’t stand is something dry, so they should make sure that they use the juice liberally and, if they run out, they can use simple tap water.

After practicing on those two food items, they should be ready for a live woman!! My recommendation is to go to a local strip bar and tip a dancer a few dollars. She would instantly fall in love and offer to take the boy home for some sex. Since I do work in one of those bars, I guess you could call me an expert on matters like that!!

After all this practice, the boy should be ready to have sex with any human, be it male or female. If the relationship doesn’t work out he always has a few options to fall back on, which is a wonderful thing!!!

NEXT WEEK: Ralph is released!!!!!!!!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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