I Get My Life in Order!

It seems that every time I get my life in order, someone goes out of their way to upset me. I don’t know why, but I guess a lot of people are happier when I’m depressed.

Here’s an email I received recently and you’ll see what I mean:

“Hi Melissa,

I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time. I’ve been rooting for you to get your life in order. I’ve laughed with you and cried at your misfortunes, but now I don’t know. How could you get back with Ralph? That ape is just using you for his perverted pleasure! The more I think about this, I think you’re a complete loon.

You lost a fan!!


See what I mean? I don’t know what this Adrienne’s problem is!! I’m happy and I don’t understand why that bitch can’t be happy for me. I don’t think I’m asking for too much!!

I have also noticed that my neighbors are acting strange when I’m around. They act like I’m just like the hooker that slept with the whole trailer park a few years ago. Sure, it was my aunt, but that doesn’t mean I’m like her. Besides, what I do on my free time for money is my business, not theirs.

I’m sorry, but I have to go. I’m bleeding pretty badly and I need to find something to help with my lady time.

See ya!!

NEXT WEEK: No longer “that time of the month” for me!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.


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