Chick Shit for Chic Chicks: Drinking…

Since I do work in a go go bar, a lot of the patrons ask me what it takes to get me drunk. I can tell you truthfully, it doesn’t take much!!

I met my husband Ralph while standing in line at a grocery store. He had been at a bar and had a beer before he went shopping and I could smell the beer on his breath when he started talking to me.

Just the smell of the beer got me hot, and I was all over him like lice on the scalp of a trailer park kid!! We ran to his double wide and made passionate love all night long.

If I have even one drink, I have to watch myself carefully!! There have been numerous times when customers have bought me drinks and, when I wake up, I have no idea where I am!!

It gets pretty horrible when you find yourself out in the middle of a cornfield wearing nothing but pasties and a g-string. People look at you pretty strange as you stand on the shoulder of a highway trying to thumb a ride home!!

Ralph, bless his soul, understands this is part of my job. I have no choice but to drink when I’m at work, and, as long as I don’t end up with a limb cut off, Ralph says he will live with my alcohol induced blackouts.

There is one time that I blacked out that I haven’t told Ralph about. It was a particularly busy night at the bar and we had a bunch of college kids who were buying all the dancers lots of drinks.

When I woke up the next morning, I found myself cuddling with a cow in the middle of a huge field!! I don’t know what those wacky college boys did, but it was probably something harmless, like cow tipping.

I can only guess that a cow tipped over and landed on me, because I did have bruises all over my legs. The boys probably got scared and ran away, which is okay because I did wake up feeling quite refreshed!!

So now you know! Next time you come to the bar and buy me a drink, be mature like those college boys and treat me with a bit of dignity when I pass out!!

Bye!!!

NEXT WEEK: My likes and dislikes!!!!

More Lunatic Columns

Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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