Well, this week’s “Red Eye” column is by “he who will remain unknown.” Personally, I think he just didn’t know how to write anonymous.
This is the last guest column for the Chick Shit spot. Yvonne says she working on her first official column which will appear next week!
Until then, enjoy this edition which helps the ladies mix up a good ol’ Red Eye; because, we all need one once in a while. Or once a day. Or every few hours…
I’m going to tell you how to make the perfect Red Eye.
“But what is a Red Eye?” you ask.
Well let me tell you.
A Red Eye is a mixed drink also sometimes known as a Michelada, or a Chelada, or a Red Beer, or a Spicy Beer, depending where you come from.
It’s a mixed drink consisting of beer and tomato juice. From there on is where the different varieties branch out.
But I’m going to tell you how I make them, which is delicious.
The perfect Red Eye is all things to all people. You’ve got your fine pilsner beer for your sophisticate. You’ve got your salt for your salty dog. You’ve got your savory for your Rico Suave. And you’ve got your spicy for your hot tomale.
A Red Eye is the whole package, baby.
Some people like to drink them for breakfast, but like breakfast, I contend that a good Red Eye can be enjoyed any time of the day.
Drinking one usually makes you want to drink another. You get sick of them eventually though. And it isn’t like you could ever really get drunk on them anyway. Unless you’re the type of person who gets drunk on watered down beer. Or in this case, tomato juiced-down beer.
A Red Eye is sort of like a Bloody Mary made with beer instead of vodka. Except that the beer is more like the tomato juice in a Bloody Mary because there’s more of it, and the tomato juice is more like the vodka because there’s less of it.
So go figure.
Now the first order of business of course when making a Red Eye is which beer to choose.
Trust me on this, this is one place where it is OK to go cheap.
Personally, I prefer PBR. You can also use a Mexican beer if you want. I like to use Dos Equis Amber, which is among my favorite beers on tap, but it’s too expensive to buy just to use for Red Eyes. Unless that’s what you really like. You go, girl.
But I would recommend sticking with a pale lager.
Ales tend to have too strong a flavor with all the hops and such which to my palate just doesn’t mesh well with the tomato juice.
Likewise with dark beers.
So go with some cheap, tasteless, pisswater American lager, that’s my advice.
Don’t waste your good beer on this.
And that’s coming from a guy who really appreciates a good pale ale or porter or stout.
But to each his own.
Or her own.
Or their own.
Hopefully I’ve got everybody covered there.
Ok, so next we move on to the tomato juice.
I’d just say just use whatever kind you like. If you don’t like tomato juice then I don’t even know why you’re still reading this.
Now different people have different ways of spicing it up from here on out but I’ll tell you how I do it.
So here is what I add. I’m not even going to tell you how much. You should figure that out for yourself anyway depending on how it tastes best to you. But we’re talking dashes and sprinkles if that helps.
Drunken Drunkards Red Eye Ingredients (Fills One 16oz Mason Jar)
One 12oz Beer Celery Salt Lea & Perrins Worcestershire Sauce* Louisiana Brand Hot Sauce*
Round Out Glass With Tomato Juice
And that’s it.
No ice in this recipe. I start with everything cold to begin with.
And you’ve obviously got to stir it. I do it by adding all the spices, pouring in a little beer and swishing it all around until everything dissolves, and then pouring in the rest of the beer.
If you pour it too fast and have to suck off the head it’s cool because it tastes like Red Eye.
Which in case I haven’t mentioned it is delicious.
Some people like to drink Red Eyes for breakfast. But not me.
That would get in the way of my Long Island Ice Tea.
But anyway, this ends tonight’s edition of Drunken Advice for Drunken Drunkards.
*Drunken Drunkards and The Weird Crap have received no compensation whatsoever for the promotion of these condiment brands. Though we would be more than willing to accept some should anybody come around offering. I only went so far as to specifically mention them because in my drunken experience, they are the best.
Also, real Worcestershire Sauce like Lea & Perrins is a fish sauce made out of anchovies in case you didn’t know that.
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