Melissa Shares Her Confidential Email!

After thinking long and hard about it, I decided to email Bob and Stephen and give them one more chance to correct their evil ways. I felt this would be a show of girl power and prove that us women can’t be pushed around any longer.

I sent them an email and was surprised that they both had the guts to reply. It shows that they both truly care!!

Stephen has a foul mouth and mind and this column has always been written for the young so please excuse his harsh language. But he cares, so what’s the big deal, right?


(My email)

“Stephen,

Before I make your life miserable, do yourself a favor and admit that you have always cared about me and always will.
This is your last chance!!

Love,
Melissa”

(Stephen’s reply)

“Melissa:

Who are you trying t kid? You might want to wake up and escape your fantasy world. True, it might be hard since you’re locked up in the loony bin, but we can always hope.

Go fuck yourself and anything that you’ve come in contact with. If you threaten me again, I will find your alien baby and dissect it while it’s still alive and then I’ll do the same to Ralph and everything and anyone else that you’ve ever “loved”.

You are fucking pathetic. Either wake up or demand a higher dose of whatever medication you’re currently hopped up on.”


See? He cares about my well being!! That’s a great start for us to mend the fences and becoming friends again!!!

Next was my email to Bob.


(My email)

“Dear Bob,

Our baby is wonderful!! We are going to have a great life together and our little girl is going to grow up to be just like me!! Won’t that be great?

It’s okay to admit your love for me. There’s nothing to be ashamed of!! I might not be the best-looking girl in the whole world, but isn’t it what’s inside that counts?

You are my one and only love. I am waiting for you!!!

Love,
Melissa”

(Bob’s reply)

“No. Leave me alone. You’re a freak. You look like a freak and that means that what’s inside of you is freak-like too. Die, die, die. Please just die.”


This is almost like Stephen’s reply. If you read between the lines, you can tell that he is madly in love with me and would be nothing without me. That’s all a woman wants!!!

See ya!!!

NEXT WEEK: A special guest columnist!!!

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Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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