Hi! I’m Hooty McBoobs and I’ll be writing “Chick Shit for Chic Chicks” from now on! Or, at least til I get tired of writing a weekly column for the 10 people that visit this website each week.
You might have guessed, that’s not my real name. You’ll never know my real name, and let’s just keep it that way.
Since this is the first thing that I am writing I asked Stephen what I could write about. His answer, and I am paraphrasing here, “ write about whatever you want, but don’t be nice”. Now if you knew me, you would know that I rarely have anything nice to say and when I do, I don’t really mean it. Don’t get me wrong, I hardly ever shove old people to the ground, I never kick animals or small children and I have never stolen anything (except my ex-husbands car, but that’s a story for another day).
But I think terrible things about other people, mostly strangers. I have taken personality tests (per my counselor) and the results proved that I lack empathy and have narcissistic tendencies, so I feel better about being outwardly cruel because I am sick and I can’t help it.
For example on Saturday I was out of underwear, and instead of doing a load of laundry (ugh!) I proceeded to the local designer discount-clothing store to buy some. Throughout the entire store I could hear one voice, over the SCREAMING BABY, saying , “That is gorgeous.” and “That is fabulous, Oh yes! Try that on.” I couldn’t help but be drawn to the location of the voice, mostly because I don’t want anyone to have something that I don’t.
Once I made it to the location I noticed a VERY large woman, with her VERY large daughters sifting through the bathing suit rack. It was an unbelievable sight, sort of like a cross between a line at Old Country Buffet and Wal-Mart. One of them made the statement “I’ll look skinny in this!” And as she said it, our eyes met over the rack and I blurted out “Nope, that won’t do it.”
It was wrong, it was cruel…but this must STOP!
I am just sick of it.
Damn it if you don’t look skinny in your other clothes, what the hell makes you think you will look skinny in a gigantic flowery spandex bathing dress! The giant flowers on it do not make it a magical bathing suit. Your not, you’re just not, no matter what you put on, going to “look” skinny!
If this advice pissed you off, or crushed your hopes that you will look good this summer, then mission accomplished.
NEXT WEEK: Why you shouldn’t eat two pounds of grapes the night before a six-hour car ride to Hershey Park or how I made up a person, and drove my ex boyfriend crazy (I haven’t decided yet).
More Chick Shit for Chic Chicks!
A new Chick Shit column every Wednesday!
