What Ever Happened to Melissa?

Here’s the latest update on Melissa, fugitive from justice, go-go dancer and all around slut:

We hired some cheap investigators to track down Melissa. What they have reported to us is shocking, but typical of Melissa.

She is currently travelling with 3 other females, all hardened criminals like herself. Our eyewitnesses reports that they are travelling around the state stopping at go go bars in order to take part in amateur nights so they can have some extra cash to carry out their misdeeds.

These women are so sneaky that the only time that they were caught committing a crime was at Denny’s when they walked out of that fine eatery with a newspaper that they didn’t pay for.

This little crime is obviously the start of something big. One of the investigators spotted them walking out of a Wal Greens with a bag filled with “a hefty amount of womanly products”. One of out investigators does not know if these items were paid for, but he can only assume that they weren’t.

They have also been followed to numerous hotels. After dancing at the bars, they go to a local motel and are obviously plotting some more criminal mischief since the lights aren’t left on for long.

“Sure, they MIGHT be only sleeping,” said another investigator, “but I highly doubt it. Just call it a gut instinct. By the way, are you guys going to pay me now?”

We have decided to kidnap Melissa and hire one of those deprogramming people so she can get back on the straight and narrow. We have read books on the subject of deprogramming and might even give it a shot ourselves if we don’t have anything better to do.

No matter what happens, we’ll keep you posted. Like you care.

TheWeirdcrap staff

More Lunatic Columns

Melissa Paternik

Melissa started writing columns back in 2000 when we first got going. She continued for several years and then retired her column. Other writers contributed to Chick Shit after she left. The archived columns are being added one by one and will appear from time to time.

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