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By Melissa Paternik

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  • I Got a Visitor in Jail!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Since I’ve been in jail before, I know exactly how to handle myself and know how to keep out of trouble. Take my word, if one of your fellow inmates wants you to be her bitch, you might as well go with it or there might be some serious problems!! Anyway, I was visited by the jail psychiatrist. She seemed like a nice lady and I felt quite comfortable talking with her. After awhile though,…
  • I’m in a mental hospital!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Believe it or not, I’m in a mental hospital!!! I thought the trial was going my way, especially since I decided to represent myself. I figured that I had watched enough of those law shows on tv to know what I was doing and it would be a great career booster for me. I guess Ralph’s lawyer had other ideas since he basically tore me apart every time I opened my mouth. He would say…
  • Another Trial!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My trial ordeal is lasting a lot longer than I thought it would!! Hopefully it should end within the next week, but I don’t expect the verdict to be in my favor. I guess I am not a particularly good wife and, at this time, I can definitely understand why Ralph would want to get rid of me. It all started when I met my lawyer. Since I don’t have a lot of money, the…
  • My Apology…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I need to apologize to Ralph and to everyone who read my column last week. I know it’s kind of weak, but it was my time of the month, and I lost my head. I guess the feel of the blood dripping from between my legs might have given me this sense of power to do something as insane as beating on my poor, dearest Ralph. I have always had a very good sense of…
  • I Got Caught!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, I got caught! I was in the kitchen making Ralph’s dinner when I heard someone screaming outside. I turned off the microwave and ran outside. The screaming continued and I followed it to the back of the trailer and there I saw Ralph lying on the ground with Dana sitting on his chest, tearing at his shirt. I ran over to them, but was a moment too late. Dana had managed to tear the…
  • Almost Busted!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was almost busted!! I was tending to Ralph in the bedroom, like any good wife would do to THEIR husband, when there came a large crash from right outside our trailer. Ralph yanked my head up from where it was positioned and told me to go outside to see what was going on. I tried to throw on my bathrobe, but Ralph told me it sounded like an important sound and that I didn’t…
  • A Surprise in a Crate!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When I got home yesterday from job hunting, found a large crate on our front porch. I was very happy because I thought it might be the donkey that Ralph has been promising to get so that I can perform shows for his friends. I told him that I wasn’t very good at magic tricks but he told me that there was no magic involved and that with my past history there would be no…
  • I Get My Life in Order!
    by Melissa Paternik
    It seems that every time I get my life in order, someone goes out of their way to upset me. I don’t know why, but I guess a lot of people are happier when I’m depressed. Here’s an email I received recently and you’ll see what I mean: “Hi Melissa, I’ve been a big fan of yours for a long time. I’ve been rooting for you to get your life in order. I’ve laughed with…
  • Getting to Know Ralph Again!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Ralph and I have spent the last week getting to know each other again. It’s been fantastic!!! As soon as we got home, he put me right to work cooking and cleaning. Hey, I’m a woman and that’s what I’m supposed to be doing!! Every so often, he would have me stop working so I could tell him what had happened to me while I was gone, but these moments didn’t last long because he…
  • Just In Time for Valentine’s Day…My Love Story!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I have the perfect Valentine’s story for you! And it couldn’t have come at a better time. I was at the lowest point of my life, thinking that things couldn’t get any worse and then I was rescued by my knight in shining armor!!! Last Thursday, I was scrounging in a garbage can looking for some scraps of food to take home when I noticed a man looking through another garbage can further up the…
  • I am finally rid of Dana!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was wandering around town trying to find some scraps to eat when I noticed a porn magazine lying in a trash bin. Since I like to read while Dana breast feeds because it takes my mind off the pain of having my body sucked dry, I picked up the magazine thrilled that I would have something to read. As soon as I got home, Dana tackled me and started feeding. I started to read…
  • Sometimes You Have Sell It!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    When you have something that is of no use anymore, you sometimes try to sell it in order to make some money. Well, I figured that I had no more use for Dana and since my breasts are becoming very sore from all the feedings, I decided that I could sell my baby, like I did with my seven other children!!! I went down to the bad part of town where you can sell and…
  • He Hasn’t Run Away or Died!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, Dana hasn’t run away or died yet, so I am still without a job. I guess it’s okay though since my breasts are seriously deformed from all the breast feeding and, in my line of work, you definitely need breasts in order to make a buck or two. I’ve been spending the days hanging out in the woods trying not to keep an eye on Dana which is very hard to do especially when…
  • It’s Take Your Kid to Work Day!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Looks like I made a huge mistake bringing my baby to work. I think there also might be something seriously wrong with it since it’s now over 5 feet tall and it’s less than a month old. Instead of calling it “it” all the time, I now call my baby “Dana” since I still don’t know what sex it is and Dana is one of those names that can be used for a girl or…
  • My Big Baby!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Well, my baby has grown to almost 4 feet tall!!! It’s amazing how much it’s grown in only two short weeks!! I don’t know if it’s because of the breast feeding or the fact that we live in the woods, but something strange and marvelous is happening here. The only problem is I still don’t know if it’s a boy or a girl since the sexual organs have still not appeared. I’m debating whether or…
  • My Well Behaved Baby!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Yes, it’s true, I gave birth last week!! On Christmas day I gave birth to a beautiful 33 lb 7 oz baby boy. The actual birth wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be because of the three gentleman who helped me out. Without them, my baby would have come out sideways which would have hurt a lot!! I can remember the feeling of having three pairs of hands rooting around inside me. This…
  • A CHRISTMAS MIRACLE!?
    by Melissa Paternik
    From the editors of theweirdcrap.com: On this past Christmas Day, three hunters came across a young lady lying in the weeds next to a cardboard/wooden pallet contraption that beared a slight resemblance to living quarters. The young lady was screaming as a large object was slithering out from between her legs. The hunters were confused on what to do but figured that there was a birthing going on so they decided to help. The pulled…
  • A Christmas Miracle!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was very depressed the last few days. I couldn’t help but wonder why some of the girls I work with get such nice stuff like virtually rust free Festiva’s and double-wide trailer’s with almost all the windows intact. But what about me? I’m a nice person. I was good to Ralph and look what he did to me!! I walked by our old trailer and saw him through the window with two naked women!!…
  • Baby Pictures?
    by Melissa Paternik
    I got my baby pictures back and they’re not what I expected. The guy that took the pictures told me that they take a long time to develop so he drew me a picture of what he can see from the film. I was expecting my baby to have maybe two heads or at least 4 arms, but the picture is of a normal baby. I don’t know what to do now. I thought I…
  • Baby Pictures…From inside my belly!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I went out and had some pictures taken of the baby in my belly!! I got a great deal from a customer from the bar. When I told him that I was going to a doctor to have him take pictures of my baby, he asked me why I wanted to spend lots of money for a doctor to take the pictures when he would be able to do it for free!! He gave me…
  • My Thanksgiving Present!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I got a present at work on Thanksgiving!! It was a fairly slow day at the bar, what with everyone celebrating the holiday with their families, but since I am so dedicated the owner gave me a old wooden skateboard so I wouldn’t have to walk to work any more. How sweet!! Don’t worry, I did celebrate Thanksgiving when I got off work. With my tips, I went to Burger King and bought a cheeseburger…
  • My New Bundle of Alien Joy!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    There must be some sort of bug going around because I found out that I’m pregnant too!!! When I went to a doctor last week, he ran a few tests and told me to come back the next day. When I did he told me had some good news and bad news for me. I thought that I had herpes or crabs or something like that, but he told me that I was pregnant. Then…
  • Getting Ready For Thanksgiving!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was going to have a contest with the prize being me for Thanksgiving, but I was told that this might be considered illegal by some people. Sorry guys and gals!! This Thanksgiving will be strange since I will be celebrating it alone. I agreed to work at the bar because the owner has given all the other dancers the day off. Since I was the “low man on the totem pole”, I have to…
  • Ralph and Law Enforcement!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I guess the law enforcement people think that since Ralph hits me in the stomach daily with a 2X4, I am a victim of spousal abuse. At least that is the excuse they gave me before dragging my poor Ralph to jail this past Sunday. No matter how many times I tried to explain that it waspart of my excercise regimen, they just seemed to beat on Ralph that much harder. What makes it worse…
  • Poor Ralph!
    by Melissa Paternik
    My poor Ralph has to spend the next 90 days in jail because the stupid judge thought that it would teach him a lesson. I went to court to support Ralph, never expecting to lose him for a few months. I was a bit hungover because I had just got off work and I know the judge sensed this and took out his anger on Ralph. Ralph put up a good fight, which caused me…
  • My Bloat – Myself
    by Melissa Paternik
    One of the worst problems to have, especially if you’re a go-go dancer, is that bloated feeling from water retention. Whenever that happens, it can make for quite an uncomfortable day!! Well, I have come up with a simple concoction that helps you get through the day!! This came about quite by accident, but it sure works for me. On my “bloaty” days, I need two things; a can of tuna fish (packed in oil)…
  • Phone Sex?
    by Melissa Paternik
    Note: Due to the writer’s strike, we are posting some of Melissa’s favorite columns, including this phone sex deal-e-o! I was going to offer some more tips today, but I haven’t learned any new ones. Sorry if you were expecting that but my life is kind of rough right now and I can’t cater to everyone. Since money is very tight right now, Ralph told me that I had better get another job. He was…
  • A Touching Email…
    by Melissa Paternik
    I received a lovely email from Phil that is so touching: “hey melissa, you kin cum live with me sweety i’ll give you a spot right between me my sister and my mom and the sheep, and don’t you worry about the smell , the sheep’ll just have to get used to it ! love and kisses Phil” Wow. This is a man that knows how to treat a lady!!! I would be in Phil’s…
  • Job Hunting!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Job hunting is so hard! I have spent the last week filling out applications everywhere imaginable, but I finally found a great way to make money!!! At least the job hunting is over! I’ll get to my new job in a moment. First though, I’m sure there are a lot of my fans wondering where I’m living and bathing and things like that. Since I have no secrets, I’m going to tell you!!! Ralph and…
  • I’m back!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I’m back again! I need to clear up some of the misinformation that has been written about me the last two weeks: A) I was in jail, but I never tried to escape nor was I taken hostage. This was a ploy thought up by the guys at this website. What really happened was that I and some of the other prisoners were hired out to entertain some local politicians. The warden got this idea…
  • A Fugitive From Justice
    by Melissa Paternik
    Here’s the latest update on Melissa, fugitive from justice, go-go dancer and all-around woman of the world: We hired some cheap investigators to track down Melissa. What they have reported to us is shocking, but typical of Melissa. She is currently travelling with 3 other females, all hardened criminals like herself. Our eyewitnesses reports that they are travelling around the state stopping at go-go bars in order to take part in amateur nights so they…
  • Finally Out?
    by Melissa Paternik
    We are sorry to inform those who look forward to Melissa’s words of wisdom every week that she is missing. We were told by prison authorities that she had escaped with 10 other prisoners and a statewide manhunt is in progress. We have no idea why she would escape or how she could have planned it since she has a brain the size of a shriveled grape. We guess that she was taken hostage and…
  • I Should be Free Soon!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I should be a free woman, but I’m still in jail!!! I tried to keep a low profile and I was even allowed to get a prison job cleaning and disinfecting used sanitary napkins for $3.00 a week, but my prison enemy pushed me over the edge once again. It wouldn’t have been so bad if it hadn’t been my time of the month, I guess. When I first noticed that I was having my…
  • Still in Jail!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I’m still in jail!! I was only supposed to be in for a week, but my stay was extended because I was in a fight the first day I was incarcerated!!! I was put in a cell with a rather large woman who told me that I going to be her bitch. This excited me because I figured that I had been put in a cell with someone who would protect me and teach me…
  • A Little Bit Angry!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I am a little bit angry right now!! Instead of going on vacation, I am going to have to spend a week in jail because I killed someone!!! I didn’t mean to, but I guess probing myself with a birdbath during my dance routine caused an old man to have a heart attack and die!! I didn’t know this had happened until I was home and packing for the vacation when the police showed up.…
  • I AM VERY ANGRY!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I am very angry!!! Even though I let myself be probed by some aliens, nobody has been in contact with me to tell my story to people worldwide. I thought I could make some good money due to the probing, but I had to go back to work!!! Thank goodness the manager at the bar likes me, or I don’t know what I would have done. The only shift he had open was 6 am…
  • My Cookies Are a Big Hit!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I still haven’t received any calls from the newspapers about my alien abduction, but I’m sure they’re going to come!! In the meantime, I’ve been having lots of fun!! I am being treated like a star in our trailer park. I have had many people pay me to take pictures of where I was probed!!!! We have made quite a bit of money from this, so I haven’t been dancing at all!!! During one of…
  • The Most Incredible Week!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Hello, I’m back!!!! I just experienced the most incredible week of my life!!! I am a bit shook up about it and it was an experience I will never, ever forget!!!! I was walking home from work in the early morning on 7/20/23. I had just worked for 18 straight hours at the bar and I just couldn’t wait to get home and make Ralph his breakfast and get some cleaning done before I had…
  • Gone Missing?
    by Melissa Paternik
    You might be expecting something from my wife, but she’s missing. I didn’t notice that she was gone until I started to get hungry and discovered that she had been gone for three days. If anyone knows where she is, please email this website. I think she’s sleeping with that Bob person, but I’m not too sure. I guess they’re going to post on of her old things that she wrote this week. And don’t…
  • Dear Melissa, Fan Mail!
    by Melissa Paternik
    “Dear Melissa, I have been married for over 7 years. Maybe it’s just me, but I feel that the spark in my marriage is gone. No matter what I do, my husband doesn’t show any interest. Any ideas on what I should do? Confused in Joplin, MO” This is problem that plagues many marriages. I do have a simple, effective way for your husband to show renewed interest in you!!! First, you must get a…
  • Forget What I said…Tapeworms!!!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Poor Ralph!! He had a tapeworm that made him so uncomfortable, that my tip for this week is going to be about getting rid of tapeworms instead of what I promised!! It started when Ralph had diarrhea. Normally this wouldn’t be too abnormal since we live in a trailer park, but this diarrhea was different from all the rest. He went to a doctor and was given some medicine, but it did not work. He…
  • A Special Surprise!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Good thing our webmaster decided to take a little time off since I promised a special surprise which I wouldn’t have been able to pull off!!! I told Ralph that I wanted to do something special for my readers and he came up with the wonderful idea of raffling off a pair of my panties!! I thought this would make a great 4th of July gift to some lucky person. These were going to be…
  • Career Day!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was very proud that I was able to attend career day at a local school!! At first I was a bit apprehensive since I am a dancer, but I figured that since I do live in Nebraska and the only jobs for women in this state are either convenience store clerk or go-go dancer, I could help point the soon-to-be graduates on the right career choice!! I was nervous about doing this since I…
  • Wedding Vows!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Ralph and I decided to renew our wedding vows this past weekend!! We have been married for 5 years and have had our share of problems but have been able to work them out and become closer. Ralph also told me that we would be able to get lots of free food and alcohol from the invited guests. We wanted it to mirror our original wedding, but that caused a few problems!!! Our original ring…
  • The Paint Job!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Ralph and I decided to paint our trailer since it hadn’t been done for the past 10 years. We thought it was going to be such a simple job, but it turned out harder then we thought!! Ralph went to the paint store and picked up the shade we agreed on, a bright yellow. Yellow is a happy color and we wanted to add a splash of sunshine to the trailer park!! I got home…
  • Oops, I did it again!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Oops!!! Some people got a bit confused on what I was going to write about this week. I guess it came out sounding like I was going to show off my private parts!!! Boy, I am so embarrassed!! I was in a rush to get my column done last week and I didn’t proofread it. My cheeks are red!!! And if you think I’m talking about my face cheeks, you are very wrong!! Ralph got…
  • Head Cleaning…
    by Melissa Paternik
    Oh boy, did I ever make a big mistake!! It seems that a lot of people, like Jim N., are confused about what I meant when I said I was going to write about head cleaning!! I did not mean it in a sexual way!! That would be dirty and I am not allowed to write about sexual things. This comes from the webmaster here and also from Ralph. Hey, if I had my way,…
  • Ok To Be Spanked?
    by Melissa Paternik
    I received a wonderful email from Marissa, regarding my marriage to Ralph, my wonderful husband!! I think Marissa was a bit concerned because Ralph has a tendency to spring surprise tests on me. Don’t worry!! It’s his duty as my husband to do so and it is my duty as his wife to pass these tests!! Ralph has molded me into an almost perfect wife. I can remember when we were first married and I…
  • Quality Time!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Ralph has been promising me some quality time and it finally happened!!! This past Sunday morning, I came home from a full night of work. Sunday is the day that Ralph and I spend some quality time together since this is the only day that we both have off. Ralph usually wakes up as soon as I start making his breakfast because he likes to watch me shake my hips as I am stirring the…
  • Likes and Dislikes!
    by Melissa Paternik
    I have received a lot of email regarding the comment I made about lice on the heads of trailer park kids. I didn’t mean to offend anyone, but I was only speaking the truth. I live in a trailer park and I know for a fact that lice is prevalent. I am also sure that the material that is used in making trailer homes is a breeding ground for lice. If I offended you, I…
  • My Blackouts!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Since I do work in a go-go bar, a lot of the patrons ask me what it takes to get me drunk. I can tell you truthfully, it doesn’t take much!! I met my husband Ralph while standing in line at a grocery store. He had been at a bar and had a beer before he went shopping and I could smell the beer on his breath when he started talking to me. Just the…
  • Sewing Tips?
    by Melissa Paternik
    I was supposed to talk about sewing tips but too be quite truthful, I am not that good with needles and thread. I once had to fix a pair of Ralph’s jeans, but I couldn’t put the thread through the eye of the needle. Since they were his favorite pair, I knew that I would have to fix them somehow, so I used staples. I used a blue Magic Marker to color the staples and…
  • Time to Talk Gardening!
    by Melissa Paternik
    Spring is here and it’s time for me to talk gardening!! For many years, Ralph and I have tried hard to cultivate a garden in back of our trailer. Since it is quite hard to grow vegetables in rock, we had to come up with a better plan. One of Ralph’s part time jobs is road cleanup. He travels around our town and picks up roadkill and then he is supposed to bring the broken…

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