Chick Shit For Chic Chicks

By Melissa Paternik

Melissa’s columns are all the rage, so now she has her own spot!

Lunatic Columns | Lunatic Ravings | Spamrider of the Apocalypse | Ask Bob | Guest Writers | Column Archives

  • Chick Shit is Temporarily Out of Order!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Ok, we’ll be honest, it’s probably gone for good!Sadly, the Chick Shit for Chic Chicks column has come to an end. We’d love to keep the series going — we just need someone to write it! If you’ve got a sharp, funny voice and want to write a column from a woman’s comical perspective, drop us an email and pitch your idea. This is a great chance to share your humor and wit with our…
  • Is Donnie the True Messiah?
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Before we get into Donnie…I know that its been some time since I have written, but I have been having some trouble at work – the trouble is that they make me work. Here is some Hooty Mail to keep you entertained. Please be warned the following is very disturbing and may cause extreme anxiety and uncontrollable vomiting. Especially if you didn’t know Bon Jovi was a Kebler Elf, or that Pete is Cleopatra Queen…
  • If I Could Turn Back Time…
    by Hooty McBoobs
    “If I could turn back time…I would be 29.”– Carol Sloan (with special thanks to Cher) 1) Soon it will be my birthday I will be an age that has a three in it. Anyways, the getting old part didn’t really bother me until today. My mother called me to tell me that my father had to fill out some forms for his work (the emergency forms in case you choke on your egg salad…
  • Free to Good Home…
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Free to good home. One slightly retarded 14 year old boy. Includes free arm splint & cast. My son got pissed and punched a steel light pole and broke his hand… Light pole – 1; Slomo – 0. So I haven’t had any time to get to my column this week. What with keeping myself from breaking his other hand, and sitting in the ER for 7 hours (oh yea, and they have the nerve…
  • I Can’t Get My Head out of the toilet!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I came into work this morning and noticed that the toilet in the ladies room won’t stop flushing…it’s just flushing and flushing. I thought, seeing as it is about five feet from my office, that I could look at it as a kind of serenity fountain. You know the kind you can buy for about thirty dollars to clutter up your desk and breed larva after it annoys you and you yank the batteries out.…
  • Dates = Hates:
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I got asked out a couple of weeks ago and I was a little excited until I remembered how all the other dates went. I must have short term memory loss because about every two months I forget and accept a date with some yutz that saw me in the elevator and thought I was cute (by the way, cute is man code word for “you got big boobs”). Anyway, the last date I went…
  • Blah, Blah…
    by Hooty McBoobs
    This is one of those weeks where I haven’t had time to think about what I want to write (YES! I do think about it!) So lets just babble on about some random things. I have been thinking about what I want for my birthday, it’s 9/11…. I know what you’re thinking, and it has been my birthday since the day I was born, the terrorist have nothing to do with me. So if your…
  • More of that President Crap!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I wish to make an addendum to last week’s column “Shit I will change when I am the President”: Majority Rules! This will be the motto of my office. I say this because if 80% of the population smokes, cigarettes that is, then smoking can not be banned; hence, Majority Rules! And the Non-smokers, who want to live forever, can stay home and take vitamins. In addition to Majority Rules, I will institute the “…
  • Shit I’ll Change When I’m President!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    So you voted for a boob last time. Next time, vote McBoobs for President! Never too early to start campaigning! I know that it seems like a long shot, but it could happen. Someday you will have your Wednesday night TV shows interrupted (there’s nothing on TV on Wednesdays anyway) with President McBoobs State of the Union Address. I will replace “hail to the chief” with my own theme song: “ What’s new Pussycat”. I…
  • The Homeless Clown!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I had some complaints about last weeks column, people (you know who you are) said “ it sucked” and my rebuttal is – NO DUH! If you could do better you’d be here writing this instead of me… BUT YOU’RE NOT! ARE YA? So there! The Homeless Clown Yesterday I went to the mall, but I had a legitimate reason to go shopping. My friend had a baby on Saturday and I had to go…
  • What in the World is this?
    by Hooty McBoobs
    What? I have no idea what to talk about this week… Imagine that, Hooty is at a loss for words. Maybe we will just ramble and see if I hit on something good. Last week when I went out to get my lunch I saw a homeless woman wearing the same shirt as me. She stared to approach me to beg for money but saw what I was wearing and stopped. IT’S A NEW SHIRT!…
  • Sorry about the lapse!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Sorry about the lapse in columns – I know that you all missed me, and if you didn’t shame on you, bunch of heartless bastards. I had the worst toothache and it impaired my ability to think, write, move, sleep, eat, breath… trust me I was more impaired last week than on a normal day. The sad fact of the matter is that I am too poor to have it fixed, so I will just…
  • Nothing to See Here!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Note from the Editor: Sorry, nothing from Hooty! She couldn’t write this weeks column. We don’t really know why.All we got is an email that said, “Sorry guys, I can’t do it this week. I just can’t.” We really don’t know what’s going on…we hope it’s just a temporary thing! In lieu of that, here’s something from the Chick Shit archives! We Need More Money!by Melissa Paternik I was going to offer some more tips…
  • Grapes of Wrath – Part II.
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Before I begin with the Grapes of Wrath – II, I would like to make a correction concerning the column issued the week before last, “ no gnus is good gnus”. In last weeks article it was reported that Pete D. is a closet Homosexual, well folks for the first time in my life, I was wrong, that’s right I was wrong. It seems that Pete D. and his spouse are with child, so of…
  • Grapes of Wrath – Part I
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Two pounds of grapes, and a 4-hour ride to Hershey Park. I know I promised this story a while ago but this is a delicate subject that required a lot of thought, to word correctly. Actually, I didn’t have anything else to write about today. I have been in a really crappy mood lately. Besides hating my job, it has been raining for a month, and I can’t take it anymore. But I know you…
  • No Gnus is good Gnus…
    by Hooty McBoobs
    No Gnus is good Gnusby Hooty McBoobs I had no idea what to write about this week, nothing happened that pissed me off. I know you’re shocked, but I guess that’s a good sign because it means that the medication is kicking in. I thought in keeping with the theme of this highly cultured web-site that it would be a good idea to give you a short news update to keep you abreast of our…
  • Those Commie Sluts Destroyed my Dreams!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    I know I said that I was going to write about Grapes this week but I have these dreams I’d like to share. So I changed my mind. I am a female, and to quote that famous wife beater/dope s moker Bobby Brown “…its my prerogative!” I wanted to start a new career and I thought, “What would be better than being a Hooker.” Now I wasn’t going to be a street corner hooker, I…
  • The New Chick is Here with More Chick Shit!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Hi! I’m Hooty McBoobs and I’ll be writing “Chick Shit for Chic Chicks” from now on! Or, at least til I get tired of writing a weekly column for the 10 people that visit this website each week. You might have guessed, that’s not my real name. You’ll never know my real name, and let’s just keep it that way. Since this is the first thing that I am writing I asked Stephen what I…
  • Nothing to See Here!
    by Hooty McBoobs
    Note from the Editor (Bob S.) Sorry folks, nothing to see here! We don’t have a new columnist yet. Or rather, we do, we just haven’t seen a single word from her. So, technically, we got nuthin’. It’s someone Stephen knows. So, naturally, I’m on high alert. Stephen’s “recommendations” tend to fall somewhere between mild chaos and federal offense. Still, he insisted we give her full admin access to the site so she can post…
  • Is this Column Cursed?
    by Yvonne
    From the Editor: I don’t know what happens to the people who write this column, but Yvonne totally lost it! She went from being a self-absorbed, independent woman to someone completely paranoid and delusional. Honestly, I’ve noticed Stephen has that effect on people. But it’s not really his fault. Well, actually, it is. He frequently made sexual innuendos when Yvonne was around, and his constant barrage of insults is just too much for anyone to…
  • Eat Me!
    by Yvonne
    I am not going to write about dining etiquette, so if that’s what you expected, you can just eat me! The editor here at TheWeirdcrap.com said I should write something more “lady-like,” like fine dining. Then he said, “You should smile more, you’re pretty when you smile.” What an ass-hole! I already wrote a column about that some time ago. For those of you that have a short memory, you might want to take the…
  • How to be Treated Like the Queen you are!
    by Yvonne
    For those of you that are wondering, I am doing much better and I thank all of you that have supported me. Last weekend I was feeling very depressed and I started to cry. This must have done something to my lover because he comforted me and treated me like the queen I am. I had heard about the crying thing before, but never dreamed that it would actually work. So, all you ladies out…
  • This Site is up to NO GOOD!
    by admin
    It seems that the “men” that run this site are trying to play a little game with me. Supposedly, one of my columns was “lost” so last weeks column was written for my fans to let them know that I didn’t forget about them. Well, I found out that none of my columns was actually lost. Instead, the webmaster had a brain freeze and forgot to post one of my columns so everything was a…
  • More Worthless Bullshit!
    by Yvonne
    Dear Yvonne, Where have you been? I thought you would only be on vacation for a week but you’ve been gone for TWO whole weeks! I’m at my wits end here and need your help badly. Nothing in my life is going well and I’m just about to give up and forget I was even born. You’re my last hope! Please, please, please, please HELP ME BEFORE IT’S TOO LATE! Don This is bullshit! I…
  • This Website can Just Go to Hell!
    by Yvonne
    I take a week off and the people that work for this website (and they are all men) decide to go behind my back and make fun of me and write something in last weeks column that made me extremely upset. It’s like I work for a bunch of kids here. I try to help everyone out with whatever problems they might have and this is how I get treated as soon as I’m gone…
  • Finally, Some Peace and Quiet!
    by Yvonne
    It’s finally happened. Yvonne has went on vacation. In between bouts of drunkenness and carousing, we tried to think of things that we could put in this spot until she comes back. Nude pictures were out because of all the fucking kids that visit this site and we want to be as FFF (Family Fucking Friendly) as possible. We think of ourselves as kind of Disneyish in the way we go about doing our stuff…
  • Why are you here?
    by Yvonne
    Your here? You should know that I am on vacation so I wouldn’t be wasting my time writing something new for you. I understand you need my help, but sometimes even someone as wonderful as myself needs some time off. You probably came here for some beauty tips which I promised last week. Just because I promise something doesn’t mean that I have to follow through. That’s the reason why I’m me and you’re you.…
  • We All Love Vacation!
    by Yvonne
    Last week I mentioned that I was going to be on vacation this week, but because I’m me, I changed my mind. I have every right to change my mind because of who I am. Besides, you came her anyway so I might as well write something so that you can go on with your life. Maybe I’ll be on vacation next week. Again, that’s MY decision and it doesn’t matter what’s going on in…
  • The Second Date!
    by admin
    Last week I gave you some tips on first dates. I have found that some of you actually go out on a second date with the same person so I’m going to go ahead and give you some tips for the second date. Please don’t bother to thank me either. You should have slept with your date a couple of times by now. Sex is a serious business so it’s time to get serious with…
  • Dating tips for all you loosers!
    by Yvonne
    I get a lot of mail from pathetic people asking me tips on dating, especially tips for the dreaded first date. Answering this mail would be a complete waste of time on my part since I figure that anyone who would ask for tips on something as simple as dating, is a loser. Yet I do answer mail in my column every week from losers, so I guess I have that double standard thing going…
  • Finally, Happiness Comes my Way!
    by Yvonne
    I have great news for everyone, and there is nothing anybody can do or say that will rid me of my current happiness. First off, I met a man! Now, this isn’t exactly big news since I am every man’s dream, but I have finally met a man who meets all my standards and even surpasses some of them. He treats me like I’m a priceless treasure, which I am. Whatever I want, I get…
  • Hey, I am Not Nosy!
    by Yvonne
    I’m not a nosy person and try to stay out of other peoples affairs, unless I am directly asked to help them out with any problems they might have. Recently I accidentally came across an email from Stephen to Bob, where Stephen explained that he was unable to write anything new this week because he was “mentally constipated”. Don’t believe this for one second. Unlike everyone else here, Stephen puts no thought into what he…
  • Enough With The Name Calling!
    by Yvonne
    Well I’ve had just about enough of Bob! He just pulled my last nerve! Even though I try to keep up to date on things happening around me, right now I have something very special in my life and some things have passed me by. I do my best to offer the best advice to people and point out their faults so that they can become a better person, or someone like me. However, some…
  • A Quickie!
    by Yvonne
    This week will be a quickie (which should appeal to all my male readers) since I have much better things to do than attempt to correct the wrongdoings in your life. From Walden in Missoula, MT: If there is a fight between you and the mystery woman, would mud or jello be involved? Walden, my main goal in life is to make people like you happy, so it probably will be mud or jello or…
  • Who’s That Girl?
    by Yvonne
    Last week I mentioned that girl hanging around TheWeirdcrap headquarters, but I’m not worried about that right now, because I am at peace with myself and the rest of the world. This is unusual for me, but I’ve turned over a new leaf! I have found “The Way,” and it has brought peace unto my life. Verily, verily, I say unto thee, listen. Listen to the words of wisdom and encompass everlasting peace. Of course,…
  • The Other Woman!
    by Yvonne
    There’s a new woman hanging around our Weirdcrap offices and I don’t like her one bit. I don’t know why I don’t like her, and I don’t really care why since I am such a great judge of people. All I know is that she’s trouble and I’m going to do everything in my power to get rid of her. Here’s an email I got from Rob in Mobile, AL: “I have this strange feeling…
  • Yvonnes Ultra-Special, New Year Special, Special!
    by Yvonne
    It’s a new year and I’m back. I’m sure that many of you are more than thankful for that since, without me, your life is meaningless. You look at me as your one ray of hope in your pitiful existence. That’s fine with me. But, sometimes I need a break from those that are less than me which is the reason I took last week off. Yet a lot of you kept hounding me with…
  • A Very Special Heartfelt Christmas Message from Yvonne!
    by Yvonne
    Did you really expect something new on Christmas day? If you did, you really need to get a life. I have better things to be doing then helping others this Christmas Day! Come back next week and maybe I’ll be in a helpful mood. NOW GET LOST! NEXT WEEK: A Very Special New Years Day Special…REALLY!!
  • Do You Love or Hate my Moronic Coworkers?!!
    by Yvonne
    When I can take a moment out of my busy schedule, I try to read columns by my moronic coworkers: “Ask Bob”, “Lunatic Ravings”, or “Spamrider of the Apocalypse”. What I have noticed is that Bob always ends his column with a song, but the others don’t. Over the past few months, I’ve received several emails asking why? Bob’s mind wanders a lot while he writes his column due to his drinking/drug problem. A song…
  • Yvonne Helps through the Busy Holidays!
    by Yvonne
    I am a little bit tired receiving letters from people asking to help out with their pathetic love lives, so I’m going to take a break from helping the less fortunate. Besides, this time of the year is a very bad time to be alone and those that are are pathetic and beyond my help at this time. Since it’s the holiday season and I feel quite festive, I am going to answer a holiday…
  • Yvonne’s Crazy Advice is a Cut Above the Rest!
    by Yvonne
    Another week of pathetic Email from with one person saying I have crazy advice. The nerve! I’m just trying to help people like you, who are begging me to help with their pitiful lives. I’m not complaining. I’m just stating a simple fact. Good thing that I’m around. As soon as I have the entire planet following my advice, I’ll be happier and maybe I’ll be able to smile at a stranger. But for know,…
  • Embracing Gratitude, Good Times, and a Bathtub Full of Beans
    by Yvonne
    I would like to start by embracing gratitude by thanking those of you that recently sent me emails, especially those that were concerned that I might be spending the holiday alone. Quite frankly, it’s really nobody’s business how I spend my holidays! If I want to roll around in a bathtub filled with pork and red beans, that’s my prerogative. I don’t need anyone inviting me over for food and fun because I can find…
  • Thanksgiving Tips and Advice from Yvonne: Expert Holiday Insights
    by Yvonne
    Time for my Thanksgiving Tips. Tip #1: I need to make a clarification to all the stupid people sending me email asking me stupid questions about stupid things: I AM NOT HERE TO HELP YOU WITH YOUR HOLIDAY COOKING. I COULD CARE LESS IF YOUR STUFFING IS TOO DRY, OR IF YOUR SWEET POTATOES ARE NOT CREAMY. SINCE I HAVE PEOPLE COOK FOR ME, I AM NOT PATHETIC LIKE YOU AND STAND AROUND A STOVE…
  • Domestic Advice from the Domestic Goddess!
    by Yvonne
    Your Domestic Queen is back and ready to whip all you bitches into shape. But first let’s start with the biggest bitch of all, Bob. That dimwitted, overweight, drunken, excuse for a man, posted last week’s column again this Wednesday! Last night, I emailed him a scolding letter informing him of his incompetence and DEMANDED that he take that post down and post this one, with this new introduction and backdated it to the appropriate…
  • Yvonne and her Trustworthy Advice to Heartbroken skanks!
    by Yvonne
    Bow to me skanks, for I am back with more advice for all of you who are below me on the evolution ladder. I have been busy lately because I was teaching some “gifted people” the finer points of living life. It was a very hard job especially when I had to show a drooling idiot how to kiss properly. No matter, he’s a better man now. Maybe not smarter, but he is able to…
  • The lovely and Talented Yvonne Takes Over!
    by Yvonne
    Hi, you may call me lovely Yvonne and a new era has started here at this site. I want to welcome myself as the newest staff member to theweirdcrap, and am ready to make a difference in your life. This column will now be written by a normal person. There will no more writings about alien abductions and alien babies. I will not write about my job as a disgusting, low-life stripper. I will not…
  • A Delicious Red Eye Recipe!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Well, this week’s “Red Eye” column is by “he who will remain unknown.” Personally, I think he just didn’t know how to write anonymous. This is the last guest column for the Chick Shit spot. Yvonne says she working on her first official column which will appear next week! Until then, enjoy this edition which helps the ladies mix up a good ol’ Red Eye; because, we all need one once in a while. Or…
  • Why Our Ambition to Launch a Swedish Farm Porn Site Came to an Unexpected Halt!
    by Submitted by Guest
    We had the Swedish Farm Porn all ready to go when we received a well written email from Yvonne. Granted, everyone would rather gaze upon Swedish porn then read something, but we made a promise and, damnit, we stick to our promises. So, read on and see why we are putting out financial future on hold. Instead of making a shitload of money by becoming a porn site, we are going to remain a site…
  • Drunken Advice for Drunken Drunkards
    by Submitted by Guest
    Here is some Drunken Advice for Drunken Drunkards, another Chick Shit column submitted by someone who wants to remain anonymous.Why? We have no idea, maybe he/she is wanted by the police. Which would make sense considering our fan base. Without further ado, here it is: The problem with that fist martini is that it disappears too soon. Which makes you want another one.Which likewise disappears too soon. Are you starting to see the problem here?…
  • More Guest Submissions to replace Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Without Melissa, the emails keeps pouring in and it’s getting harder and harder to pick something for this column. Out of the two we received last week, we decided to go with the one below since it was slightly disturbing. We have nothing against things that are disturbing, but we felt that this went that extra mile for disturbedness (new word!) It’s from someone named Yvonne. We have not idea where’s she from, but can…
  • Chick Shit lives on…
    by Melissa Paternik
    This is third week without Melissa writing the chick shit column, and we’re still happy. The loss of a fellow “human being” shouldn’t necessarily cause extreme happiness, but it does to us, and there’s nothing we can or will do about it. And people keep sending in those guest commentaries! Obviously, they too aren’t that upset about the death of Melissa. It just proves out point that happiness is contagious. We read quite a few…
  • Week 2 without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Week 2 without Melissa and everything’s fine in the world. After reading millions of guest commentaries for the “Chick Shit” column, we came across this submission from Jeff. Where Jeff is from we have no idea, but I had a brother named Jeff and he used to beat the shit out of me every chance he got until I got wired on alcohol and cocaine one day after school and started pounding the shit out…
  • Our First Column of Chick Shit without Melissa!
    by Submitted by Guest
    Well, here we go. A new era has begun. With the death of Melissa, we asked for you, our wonderful, loyal reader, to go ahead and send us a commentary. And, boy, did we ever receive a few. It took us minutes to read them all and pick the best. So, read on. Hi. My name is Charles and I’m still in school, so don’t have alot to write about. Here goes. I am going…

Chick Shit Archives | Lunatic Column Archives