Farewell To The Future

(This Spamrider of the Apocalypse entry recently mysteriously arrived in my toilet dated August 8, 2047. -Bob)

I’ve decided to return to The Past (formerly and soon again to be The Present) at the next available opportunity.  I must admit that I previously thought living during the aftermath of a Donald Trump presidency was bad.  That is until I saw what the aftermath of the aftermath was like. And of course it will also be good to beat the September rush when the Time Terminals are bound to start getting all backed up with people trying to escape what everybody here and now already knows is about to come. If I really had my druthers I suppose I’d return back to simpler times such as the Jimmy Carter era when dudes like Willie Nelson could just hang out on the roof of the White House and smoke doobies all day. But alas, they didn’t have Time Travel yet back then, and besides I just don’t think that I could ever live now without Survivor.

In the 89th season of Survivor, which I just finished watching, instead of sending the competitors off to some remote planet someplace they just sent them into New New York City.  The season was hosted by Kurt Russell who wears an eye patch and is all dressed up in his Snake Plisskin outfit, except that by now he weighs like 450 lbs. because I think that one time in a pinch he had to eat Goldie Hawn.

It now occurs to me that there may be some of you back then who are interested in knowing more about some of the things that will happen in The Future.  And being right then right now I just happen to be in a better position than most to expound upon this particular subject.

So what else can I tell you about The Future?

Well, for one thing, there are no Poodles.

Also, Tom Hanks is the King of Mars.

As you can probably well imagine, both Tom Hanks and Kurt Russell are older than dirt by this point but it doesn’t matter because it turns out both of them were able to afford the life extension/rejuvenation regimen called OzXtend that was spearheaded and developed by Elon Musk and President Dr. Oz back in 2029.

You may also be asking yourself why, with seemingly all of The Future to travel to, I would only journey so far ahead as 2047?

Well, let me give you a clue.  The Future doesn’t go on for very much longer after that.

I’d tell you what happens but you would most likely immediately piss your pants and die of fright.

(I was personally inoculated against fright and involuntary urinary discharge as well as a number of other debilitating emotional reactions before ever making my first Jump, a safeguard first imposed by the Time Traveller’s Council in Geneva, Wisconsin, back in 2001. The vaccine has occasionally been known to cause a few mild side effects including irrational boldness, schizophrenia, and explosive diarrhea, but the only thing it really did to me was to make my ding-a-ling about two inches smaller.)

Besides…I’d rather talk about the INTERESTING stuff.

Like Survivor.

As I mentioned, here in The Future the most recent season of Survivor was hosted by Kurt Russell who has by now put on quite a bit of weight. Now I’ve always thought Kurt Russell was a pretty cool dude—even back when he did all those cheesy Disney movies, and even when he played that little monkey boy on Gilligan’s Island. But let me tell you folks: 450 lb. men do NOT look good in leather, and that goes double for Kurt Russell. I don’t know how many cattle they butchered to make that outfit of his but I’m thinking it must have taken the better part of a Kansas feedyard.  (Actually all the feedyards are on the Moon by now.)  Still, he does a better job than that wuss they had on there back in what you would call The Present who wouldn’t have survived 20 minutes anywhere in the wild without his air-conditioned mobile trailer and his gourmet catering staff.

On the Survivor of The Future all the menial challenges such as standing on top of a pole for two weeks straight have been replaced by more practical and realistic tasks. In one episode I watched a guy had to ride his tunafish-powered electric bicycle through Future New York City to try to deliver a ham and pickle sandwich to his pregnant girlfriend. Between the giant chihuahuas and the turkey zombies he really had his hands full. He ultimately made it through, but he did end up losing a couple of limbs and had to retire from the series. In another episode his girlfriend ended up dying of the Space Herpes. But the baby survived and ended up winning the $14 Billion, which in The Future is worth about $3.50, but is still enough for about half a day’s worth of oxygen.

There’s so much more I could write about but I don’t want to end up giving too much away and spoiling everybody’s fun.  So I think I’d better just stop for now.

But let me just say one more VERY important thing about The Future…

Actually…never mind.


Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler who had discovered that he had already been publishing information on our website for years while he was visiting the future.  Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird, and is probably full of crap, so we both just looked at each other, shrugged are shoulders, and pretty much just went with it.

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