Shit Schmelnoz Says

Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible says the darndest things sometimes.

Recently (which remember is now eighteen years ago) we were watching some birds and he said, “When the animals finally go to war against man, the birds will be quite formidable opponents.”

Noting my incredulous look he explained, “For one thing, their surveillance powers are beyond question.  And their communications network is obviously second to none.”

And as is usually the case I couldn’t really argue with him.

Now I know there have got to be at least a few of you right now who are probably saying to yourselves, “This Schmelnoz guy he keeps talking about doesn’t sound so ‘incomprehensible’ to me.”

Well, that’s because you’ve never actually heard him speak for yourselves.

What you are getting here is my own cleaned-up “Spamrider Translation”.  Though I must admit, during our time together Schmelnoz has made some remarkable progress when it comes to tuning himself into what he calls “the human time-reality perspective,” which is his way of saying making himself become more understandable to humans.

So I guess just as he has influenced me I have also managed to have at least somewhat of an influence upon him.

Not that it even matters anyway because Schmelnoz also has this uncanny ability to suddenly begin acting or sounding just like most anybody or anything he chooses to.  He does this weird thing I won’t even go into trying to explain to you, and then all of a sudden it’s like he’s become somebody else.  I must admit it made me very uneasy the first couple times I ever seen him do it.  I was asking myself, “Just who or what is this guy anyway???”

Schmelnoz says that I have sort of a “natural God-given talent” (except that he never actually used the word “natural,” or the words “God-given,” or for that matter the word “talent”) for explaining things to people that otherwise would forever remain beyond their grasp and comprehension, which he also says is what makes me uniquely among other human beings the “Spamrider of the Apocalypse”—a name he came up with, not me.

When I asked him what the hell that was supposed to mean he simply smiled that strange and lopsided grin of his and replied, “Exactly.”

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Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler who had discovered that he had already been publishing information on our website for years while he was visiting the future.  Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird, and is probably full of crap, so we both just looked at each other, shrugged are shoulders, and pretty much just went with it.

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