Little Geniuses

Schmelnoz once told me that the remarkable thing about human beings is that despite all our (extremely) obvious shortcomings each of us actually has a little genius inside of us.

(If you don’t know who I’m talking about when I say “Schmelnoz” without my explaining it to you by now then you need to go catch yourself up on some of my older entries in this journal.  Go ahead and do it right now.  This will all still be here waiting here for you whenever you get back—assuming after reading those older entries you even still bother coming back at all.)

Now when I say “a little genius,” I don’t mean it as in “a little bit of genius,” or “a certain amount of genius”.

I literally mean like a little baby genius who lives inside of each and every of us who is just waiting to grow up into a full-blown genius so he or she can finally pop right out with her or his arms spread wide open and say to the world, “Hello world!  Here I come, BITCHES!!!”

(Believe me, I am explaining this to you WAY better than Schmelnoz, who they do not call incomprehensible for nothing, would ever be able to.  It’s just that Schmelnoz and I happen to uniquely “get” each other and that very often I am the better one at explaining what it is he actually has to say, which I might add he generally fully and completely admits to.)

Anyway, so we all have this little baby genius living inside of us, and how well that baby does depends upon how each of us feeds and swaddles and changes his poopy little diapers and otherwise takes care of him.  Or her.  I’m not trying to be sexist here—I’m old and that’s just the way I’m used to talking.

So as you might well imagine, given the imperfect and often downright neglectful nature of us human beings, the vast majority of these little geniuses don’t end up doing so well.

Some of them suffer from poor prenatal care, and end up dying at birth, and some of them out of ignorant or selfish misguidance get fed too much too soon so that they end up becoming completely spoiled and never amount to what they could have been, and some of them out of pure neglect are malnourished as infants and just never seem to really grow up at all, and saddest of all, many (or even most) of them get destroyed before they ever even have the chance to be born at all.

This latter fate is in fact the only sort of abortion that Republicans actually condone.




Before you start foaming at the mouth and impulsively go sending off angry hate letters to poor Bob and Steve for something offensive or stupid or controversial that I may or may not have just said (and, oh yes, I said it) just you stop for a minute and take a deep breath while you consider the fact that all those two poor sorry schmucks ever did was to generously provide a safe place on the internet where both weirdos like me and weirdos not at all like me can feel safe and secure enough to freely express themselves without worrying about having the whole world come judging down on them just for being so weird.  So if you’re going to judge and hate on anybody for what I just said then let that judgement and hate fall squarely upon MY shoulders, because I am the single-most person who is beyond question the only one who absolutely deserves to suffer the brunt of all of it.

I’ve even set up a special spot on my own website just for people like you where you can specifically go just to hate on me personally just as much as you want.  So please go straight there right now while you’re still angry and seething and offended and take your ire and your judgment and your superiority with you so that it will not remain here on this very fine website where it does not belong and poison the very atmosphere and stink up the place for all the poor innocent remaining souls who most assuredly do not deserve any of your wrath and vengeance the way I do.

And here is that website:


Now that we’ve gotten rid of those people I can finally go back and finish what I was saying.

Actually…that was pretty much the end of it.

Now please, by all means, go love and nurture and feed and take care of that little genius of yours.

More Spamrider Columns

A new Spamrider of the Apocalypse each Sunday, and beyond!


Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler who had discovered that he had already been publishing information on our website for years while he was visiting the future.  Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird, and is probably full of crap, so we both just looked at each other, shrugged are shoulders, and pretty much just went with it.

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