So despite all the grisly and gruesome details I have thus far disclosed concerning The Future, it turns out that the most fierce and vicious response I have received thus far has come from a certain dog owner whose name I won’t mention (Larry) who has expressed both shock and dismay at my earlier revelation that in The Future there are in fact no Poodles.
It’s really quite simple though. Most of them get killed off in The Great Poodle Wars.
And the ones that aren’t killed off all end up getting taken away in this sort of bizarre Poodle Rapture by their extraterrestrial Poodle Saviour/Commander-In-Chief, The Admiral Chauncey Snugglepuss. (Admiral Snugglepuss by the way is apparently ten feet tall and plaid, and reportedly hails from a planet somewhere in the vicinity of Orion’s Codpiece.)
Anyway, at one point the Poodles totally end up saving humanity’s ass but nobody really appreciates it or misses them that much afterwards anyway because by that time all the Poodle lovers have already died out three years earlier when a mad scientist named Dirty Peter unleashes a worldwide genetically engineered virus specifically targeting Poodle lovers and guys named Larry.
I don’t really know much more than that, though I did hear certain rumors about a single pair of Poodles having been secretly cryogenically frozen and spirited away and safely deposited someplace beneath the Vatican, but that part I can’t really back up. (Some versions of the story also include a frozen Larry.)
Anyway, I wish I could tell you more but I unfortunately had more important things to worry about in The Future than sitting around learning all about Future History. Things like securing clean air so that I could breathe for another day.
Oh, some of the things I did for air…
But we’re not going to go there.
A new Spamrider of the Apocalypse each Sunday, and beyond!