As the Spamrider of the Apocalypse I know that you all are just dying for me to start talking about everything going on in the Middle East right now, as if any of that bellicose balderdash and ballyhoo somehow has anything to do with me or my message to all of you. In response I might only suggest that perhaps you instead begin directing your gaze towards the one known place on this planet where world wars actually have a proven tendency and habit of starting out. Not that I’m claiming anything is actually going to happen there any time soon—although admittedly I am also not claiming that not anything is going to happen there any time soon. All that I am really claiming is that that would seem to me to be the one place on the planet that you would think the people of this world would figure it wise to keep their eyes on by now.
Just sayin’.
So without further ado, I now return you to your regularly scheduled Apocalypse.
In The Future, all the other planets make fun of us earthlings because we’re so dumb.
“They’re so dumb they let themselves get duped into having to pay for fresh water!”
And later, “They’re so dumb they let themselves get duped into having to pay for fresh air!”
And perhaps most hurtful: “They’re so dumb they still think Survivor is cool!!!”
Now I realize at the time of my writing these words that not that many people out there are still watching Survivor, even though as I write them they are now well into their 45th Season. But what you have to realize is that at this point in time us earthlings still haven’t really even gotten started exploring other planets yet, which as you might well imagine given the inevitable outcome whenever we finally do is bound to cause quite a resurgence in the show’s popularity..
So, in the Future they all laughed at us.
But they didn’t laugh for very long.
Because damned if we didn’t start doing the same thing to them.
And it turns out they were so dumb themselves that they practically ended up begging us to do it.
They simply couldn’t resist all the nifty gadgets and gizmos and shiny little trinkets and triskets that our planet and peoples had to offer them.
On Pletarius VII in 2047 they still think those fake lighters that shock people whenever you try to light them are the niftiest thing since sliced beer. The situation has even spurred a Future Maxim: “Beware of Pletarians bearing Zippos.” (It’s funny you see, because “zippos” is also the Yofnurian word for poopy diapers. Yofnuria 17 is the Future galaxy seat of the Milky Way by the way. Actually, it’s the galaxy seat already. We just don’t know about it yet.)
So in The Future earth has got these little Third World Planets going on all over the place, each featuring its own ready-made army of alien sweatshop labor, and we buy and steal and cheat and utterly consume all their oil and trees and minerals and other natural resources just the way we did all our own, all so we can keep on hovering around in our Aero-Teslas and Sky Hummers, which let me tell you in The Future are pretty fucking cool.
And of course we dump our piss and shit into their waters just like we did our own, and we pollute their ecosystems with our plastic and toxic chemicals and fill up their valleys with our filthy rotting garbage and we stink up their atmospheres with our hideous noxious fumes even as we foul their very lands with our vile presence.
And then eventually we start selling them bottled water and canned air.
And Survivor becomes a big hit all over the Universe.
We figure, We’ve gotten away with it for this long, why stop now???
And we got all these little wars going on all over the Universe because we are always and forever striving to “secure our Future security.”
And we trample right the hell over anyone or anything who gets in our way.
Needless to say, in The Future the WHOLE FREAKIN’ UNIVERSE hates us.
I shouldn’t really tell you anything more about all this.
I will tell you this much though. Things end getting pretty ugly.
And then it’s the End of Time.
Look. If you’re really THAT interested in knowing what happens and you just can’t wait to find out, then you just need to somehow get the Time Travellers to notice and accept you, go get yourself inoculated, and make the Jump yourself.
Just don’t Jump too far.
Or, if you’re still young enough, you can just wait and watch it all happen for yourself.
In any event I can tell you I don’t plan on ever going back then again. Well…except of course for when I get there. Just like everybody else I mean—the natural, old-fashioned way.
Now that I’ve seen the ending I’m ready to see the show because I know firsthand that some good twists and turns are guaranteed for all.
Anymahow…I just wanted to let you all know a little of what’s in store.
I wouldn’t want you all to suffer from any sort of premature ejubilation or anything like that.
Besides, trust me…
There’ll still be plenty to laugh about later.
