Angels and Demons

While I certainly have no intentions of letting this thus far squeaky-clean and entirely uncontroversial column of mine ever devolve into something so lowly and debased as religious mumbo-jumbo, I would nontheless like to take the opportunity this week to discuss something that Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible and I spoke about quite at length one long and intoxicating and intoxicated evening during his previous visit.

It all started whenever Schmelnoz for some reason out of the blue just started telling me about these certain entities which he described as “extra-dimensional consciousness parasites”.

As he began to describe them to me I suddenly interrupted him and exclaimed, “Why, that sounds just like demons!”

He asked me what these so-called “demons” were, and as I described them to him of course I also had to bring up the concept of angels.

When I finally finished he just looked at me for a long time and then eventually said, “You do realize that what you are describing as ‘angels’ are really just the same thing as what you are describing as ‘demons,’ the only difference being whether or not the person conceiving of them imagines their interference to be particular helpful as to accomplishing their own personally selected agenda or not.”

When I tried to tell him that no, angels are good and demons are evil he just shook his head so hard that all his turkas fell out of his hat and started slinging purple slime all over our hotel room.

“What you refer to as ‘good’ and ‘evil’,” he said, “are merely one of the natural and necessary consequences of choosing to inhabit a fractured consciousness-state by which one has attempted to divide an infinite reality up into so-called ‘manageable’ chunks in order that the finite brain might actually be able to process it—as if this were even ever really possible.”

Now I just stared at him.

“Look,” he said.  “Once a sentient mind first becomes divided, it opens up a doorway into infinite and untold dimensions of unreality through which these entities—who are themselves unreal—can enter and begin to utilize and secure its energy resources for themselves in order to increase and preserve their own unreal existence.  From what I’ve seen of your people so far the vast majority of you are already so far gone that essentially you’re not even real people anymore, but rather, parasites posing as people who are themselves looking to turn other people into parasites so that even more of their imaginary friends might come on in and join the proverbial party.”

And then he added, “I can also see that this particular proverbial party has already been raging for decades and centuries and millennia on your planet, and that its beginning undoubtedly goes back so far as to lie before your own recorded history, which itself I might add has been undoubtedly influenced and manipulated by these very same entities.”

“But if they’re not even real in the first place then how can they be so powerful and dangerous?” I asked him.

“Because you believe in them!” he said.

“But don’t you believe in them as well?” I asked him.

“I only believe in what I know,” he replied.  “And if you want to know the truth of the matter I don’t know anything at all whatsoever.”

For a long time neither of us said anything as we sipped our Shiner Bock and nibbled our Texas Toast.

Finally he said, “Look, there is this website on what you Earthlings call your ‘internet’.  It contains a very special video which is guaranteed to eventually drive these mind parasites absolutely insane to the point where they will  plunge desperately right back into the void from which they first arose just to escape the torturous and overwhelming sense of anxiety that it causes them to experience.”

And now, my dearly beloved readers, I am presenting that very same video to you for your own benefit and edification.  But I’ll warn you: it’s like taking antibiotics. You have to watch the whole thing.  And if you don’t, then you risk destroying all but the strongest and most resilient parasitic entities and ending up even crazier and more deluded than you ever were in the first place.

So as your primary personal caretaker (which even though you probably didn’t know it is what Schmelnoz and the peculiar and particular certification board which he represents have for some reason officially designated me), I strongly advise you to swallow this toxic and yet curative poison even at your own risk.

In fact, this particular medicine is SO strong that I’m not even going to post the video on this webpage.

If you truly want to watch it, then you’re going to have to freely reach out with your own hand and of your own volition and tap or click on it yourself in order to follow the link.

And here, my dear friends and children and brothers and sisters, is that link:

The Link

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Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler who had discovered that he had already been publishing information on our website for years while he was visiting the future.  Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird, and is probably full of crap, so we both just looked at each other, shrugged are shoulders, and pretty much just went with it.

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