A Crinkle In Time

[Note: The following entry was written by Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible, my alien friend from The Future.  -Spamrider]

Greetings Earthlings. I am the quasi-sentient life-form known colloquially as “Schmelnoz the Incomprehensible”.  But I conceive that if the Spamrider has properly primed your reality contextual realms the way I have instructed him to then you have ultimately and formerly concocted as much.

When I incipiently and initially presented my supposition for this maiden entry into his revelatory oraculars to him, the Spamrider informed me by responding, “But we should have done that topic weeks or months ago!”

So thus I inquired of him why does he not then just alter his time reality perspective concourse by sidestepping into a different and more appropriately manifest parallel continuum?

When he replied that he did not understand “what the hell I was talking about” I conceived that he still has yet much to grok about the altering of one’s own personal reality dimensional realm by becoming more regardful about the manner of preconceptual notions which one actually and actively chooses to give conception to.

He likewise iterated that should I wish to impress my meanings up the general human understanding then I was going to have to initiate the learning of expressing myself more the way he does, which I am hereby and hitherto attempting by even presently sidestepping into my own different and more appropriate Spamrider human time-reality perspective parallel continuum.

So while I was recently hanging out with my good friend the Spamrider of the Apocalypse in the land you call Texas, he attempted to explain to me about this thing you all call the “Daylight Saving Time”.

What THE HOLY HELL is up with you Earth People changing these things you call “clocks” around every spring and fall???

Yes, I understand the so-called “theory” behind it, but do you not realize that it’s just another way in which your impotent and fragile little minds are being CONTROLLED AND MANIPULATED?

As if it’s REALLY one hour earlier or one hour later just because everyone happens to be PRETENDING that it is??

Do you not realize that you were already just pretending to yourselves about the nature of time IN THE FIRST PLACE, and that by adding this extra layer of unreality you have now added PRETENDING UPON PRETENDING to your ever-expanding series of delusions?

Wouldn’t it have made more sense for all of you to just get together and say something like, “OK. So in order to effectively enjoy more of our waking hours during the expanded daylight opportunities which this particular orbital period of our planet presents to us in our particular hemisphere, let us all agree to begin getting up and going to work a so-called “hour” earlier until such time as it is no longer beneficial”?

It seems to me that would have been no big deal.

But noooo

Your people are always having to delude yourselves.

That’s exactly what’s going to cause the downfall of your entire civilization you know.

Which wouldn’t be so bad if you weren’t ultimately destined to bring down the rest of the Universe down with you.

You people make me sick!

Literally. I am actually allergic to most Earthlings.

So let me clue you in on something, humans.


He was sent to Earth from an evil alternate dimension to corrupt your morals and distribute Almanacs.

The whole Daylight Saving Time thing was only a part of the plot.

And you people ate it up just like Lethurian Gordiacs eat their own excrement.

I know it’s too late for you to change the Future—after all, it’s already happened—but if I could somehow teach you people the errors of your ways before it was too late I would give my portside ventricular turka.

I do have to give at least some of you credit though, because not all of you buy into this Daylight Saving Time ruse. Apparently according to the Spamrider the people in the lands you call Arizona and Hawaii still refuse to take part in the whole masquerade. But he also tells me that at least one of those places usually almost always votes Republican (and believe me, the Spamrider has already told me all about THOSE GUYS), so I guess as you say if it is not one thing then it is another.

I don’t know why more of you can’t be like my good friend Deno.

I mean the Spamrider.

You should really listen to that guy you know.

And I’m also supposed to mention that he didn’t tell me to say that.


Spamrider of the Apocalypse is just some crazy dude who contacted us out of the blue one day claiming to be a time traveler who had discovered that he had already been publishing information on our website for years while he was visiting the future.  Neither me or Steve had ever heard of him before so we don’t know if he’s ACTUALLY crazy or what, but he’s definitely weird, and is probably full of crap, so we both just looked at each other, shrugged are shoulders, and pretty much just went with it.

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