On June 28, 2009, Stephen Hawking famously threw a party for Time Travellers.
The whole shtick was he didn’t put out the invitations until after the party had already ended.
Get it?
Supposedly, nobody showed up.
At least that is the official version that he told everybody.
But I am afraid I must beg to differ.
Because so far I have showed up to that damn party no less than eight times, and each time the little bastard has thrown me out.
Apparently he already had his whole little book written out, and selling his little book depended upon him being proven right that Time Travel is impossible by nobody showing up to his little party.
But Stephen Hawking never planned on me, an actual Time Traveller, and an especially pesky one at that.
So the first time he had me thrown out I took it as a challenge.
Since then I have returned approximately every two years, not always in the same order, such that in the course of a single evening he has already witnessed me age the better part of 20 years.
But there’s no convincing him. The guy just doesn’t want to be convinced. Or didn’t I should say. Of course he is dead now.
But that isn’t going to stop me from showing up to his little party every couple years just to further torment the little bastard before he dies, which anyone who knew him will tell you he totally deserves.
Actually I just made that last bit up. But it wouldn’t surprise me because the guy really is a dick. Or was at least.
They say do not speak ill of the dead, but for me Stephen Hawking is still very much alive, and will be, every couple years, for as long as I live and for as long as I am able to jump back in time just to torment him more and more and more. That is how much I hate him.
I’m telling you folks, you might want to think twice before seeking your information about black holes from some guy who sits around on his ass all day and has never even almost been sucked into one.
Stephen Hawking was an occasionally brilliant man, more or less, I guess, but the guy just couldn’t handle the truth. He never has so much as given me a sip of champagne for showing up to his little party and proving that Time Travel is real. And I don’t reckon he’s ever going to. Some people are just willfully blind to the truth, and they would rather just tell themselves and their security team that you are some just deranged vagabond who deserves to be handled roughly and cast out into the street again and again and again.
Some of them are starting to wonder though. It started after about the third or fourth time they threw me out. Those security guys see what’s going on even if Hawking refuses to. There is actually one of them I am still friends with here in the Present. Of course that doesn’t help me back Then, but at least it shows positive things can come out of negative experiences.
Spamrider of the Apocalypse is posted each Sunday.
Visit the column homepage.
