Urine, Swishy and Upchuck

Coheed and Cambria—“In Keeping Secrets of Silent Earth: 3”

MoTW: “Death Wish”

Nothing of importance happened last week compared to 2 weeks ago, unless
you want to count the re-arrest of the Cowpoke brothers, Swishy and
Upchuck. It seems that they’ve joined their bud, Urine, in jail cause
something about their stories just doesn’t add up.

Just looking at their pictures made me wonder why they were let go in
the first place. I’m no criminal expert, but I have people that can
vouch that I predicted that Jennifer Wilbanks was not abducted but had
run away, so I might just have some sort of eighth sense that I haven’t
fully tapped into yet.

With that said, I think I can safely assume that Urine, Swishy and
Upchuck are guilty of something. Upchuck didn’t help his cause by
getting caught on camera several days at the same nightclub that they
all frequented in order to pick up girls and then scurrying away when he
finally noticed the camera, kinda like what a cockroach does when the
lights come on. Plus, what was up with those gold chains he was wearing?
Well, probably fake gold since he works at an internet cafe. The chains
also makes me highly doubt his innocence for some unexplained reason.

As for Swishy, I’ve only seen a still photograph so I don’t know if he
wears chains or where he works, but I do know that he looks like a gaunt
monkey. He’s probably picking bugs out of his brother’s hair right now
in order to have a tasty treat. He probably thinks they’re like Now And
Laters, where he’ll have some now and same some for later.

Urine just looks like a punk. A punk who an ex claimed was sweet and
gentle who would never hurt anyone. I didn’t catch her age, but she
looked very young and came across as very impressionable and stupid, so
when Urine is facing a very long prison term, he can look forward to
receiving mail from stupid women and men who think he’s so dreamy and
could never, ever do something wrong and why couldn’t everyone else see
that he’s innocent?

If Urine, Upchuck and Swishy are let free, part of me would love to go
down to Aruba and meet up with them, maybe show them some old time
frontier justice. But I couldn’t so something like that, cause that
would be so wrong. Heck, I don’t even know why I mentioned it so go
ahead and disregard what I wrote a couple sentences ago. I would erase
it, but I can’t because I don’t know how and am afraid that everything I
wrote would disappear causing me to rewrite the whole thing, so I’m just
going to keep it in and strongly advise that you just disregard sentence
#1 in this paragraph.

As a final note, this is a humor site (well, at least we think it is) so
we try to stay away from real news as much as possible. However,
something about what’s going on in Aruba has gotten to me and something
needs to be done. Yep, I’m going on my eighth sense with this one, but
they’re guilty of something and it really needs to end. I dunno, maybe
it’s because I’ve seen all 5 “Death Wish” movies within the last month
(and the first is the best, as usual) and want to see some sort of
justice, or it could be that mental imbalance thing kicking into
overdrive again.

COMING NEXT: The empire strikes crates.

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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