Lies! All Lies! (Kind Of)

Death Angel—Killing Season


Well, it was bound to happen eventually.

My campaign has been going sublimely strongly with no hitches to speak
of until now but luckily it's just a slight bump in the road.

For those that read Bob's latest posting, you might be thinking that I'm
a sadistic fucker, one who can't be trusted to run a country, much less
partake in a young child's birthday party.

I am here to say that what he wrote is simply and unequivocally MOSTLY
FALSE. Bob is turning out to be the Bill Clinton of my campaign, but
that's ok because his heart is in the right place.

So in the interest of full disclosure, I give you the following:

Yes, I did show up at his daughter's birthday party.

Yes, I showed up riding a fancy lawn mower because of my utmost concern
on the rising cause of gas and damn if those things don't get great gas

No, it was not stolen. It was "borrowed".

Yes, I did happen to run over someone. However, I honked the horn and he
didn't move. Instead he laughed and pointed and then laughed some more.
Since having secret service agents around me all times is a serious
matter, I took matters into my own hands since it was a VERY evil laugh.

No, I was not drunk. Tipsy, maybe.

No, I did not have a cigarette dangling from my lips. How fucking gauche
is that? It was firmly planted between my lips with none of that
dangling shit. On the other hand, the joint was dangling from my lips.
And I was inhaling. Both.

Yes, the cops did show up.

Yes, they gave me a warning but it's because I used a Jedi

Yes, there really are get out of jail free cards. How weird, but it is
Nebraska where people ride around in giant corn-powered thimbles.

I don't remember removing a blade but I probably did for recycling

What wasn't mentioned is that Bob took the body and hung it up in a tree
after stuffing it full of candy, Matchbox and Barbies and everyone had
fun whacking the human pinata. I must say I'm hurt I didn't get a simple
"thank you" but I'll always remember the joyous laughter of the children
as they took turns whacking the shit out of the dangling body.

So, with all that said, my campaign is back on track. Yay me!

A couple weeks ago I saw an interview on MSNBC with some blogger who was
writing about the presidential race and they referred to him as the
pioneer of blogging.

Then they asked him how long he had been blogging and he told them 5
years (hell, it might have even been 4, but it wasn't more than 5 I'm
telling ya!) and I thought

Wait a minute.

Bob and I have been blogging for 8-9 years? How the fuck can this guy be
the pioneer?

I'm not saying that we were the first to blog (and if we were, we sure
as shit wouldn't call it something as stupid as "blog") because I'm sure
there were bloggers before us.

Mr. "Pioneer" needs to get off his fake throne and admit he's the
pioneer of NOTHING except for being the pioneer of calling himself the
pioneer of something he's not the pioneer of. Then again, that probably
wouldn't work either since there's probably someone out there who's
probably done that as well.

Don't worry. When I become president, he will be stripped of his pioneer
status in front of the whole world. He'll then be a pioneer of someone
stripped of their pioneer status.


This president stuff is hard and kind of a mind-fuck.


COMING NEXT: Warning labels and worms are eating me alive

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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