The Janitors Puppies

I am the janitor at the McShwartz School for mentally ill children. ‘Nuff said. Every day I watch kids come in, and they most likely won’t come out in the same physical state they went in.  That happened to one kid, and when his father, a military General had heard he was coming out, he drove a tank to the school and obliterated his son the second he stepped out.  60 lonely years I’ve been at this school, deteriorating just like the kids.  My body and mind has changed, and I’ve had quite the life, if you’ll care to listen, I’ll share some of the things I’ve seen at this school, part of my every day job.

Case 1: Jeremy Quinn: The blob [And the rat boy that nested inside of him]
Eating disorders are not pleasant.  Jeremy earned the name ‘the blob’ in ways that would not surprise you, but it was his amazing ability to survive and react as a human, or, a NON human being healthily that always blew me away.  He didn’t come to this school with the eating disorder, he actually came to this school because he had a nervous tick that would often times end up in a neighbor getting his head turned into a fried egg with Jeremy’s own invention- a human sized frying pan.

His eating disorder began with his habit to try and scare the other children by unhinging his own jaw, one day, he tripped, and he accidentally swallowed some poor small kid, and thus begun his bizarre eating habits.  For a while, he was quite useful as a vacuum.  He helped me get my job done in minutes at a time, he’d be able to swallow any of the shit that fell in any crevice and still survive.  When he got bigger, he then started working part time as a construction helper, he would suck up the debris, and if they were going to destroy the building, he would just eat the walls.  Somehow he managed it, and he could still remain healthy.  But there was one problem of course, the weight.  Eventually the weight crushed his bones into a fine powder. It was a popular rumor among the towns ‘normal’ children that his skeleton had actually popped out of him and went flying, the children at this school had a slightly more bizarre rumor as you could expect, that his mother, who was bred from a Jellyfish, had told him that if he kept his bones, god would force him to breath oxygen.  I sometimes listen to the rumors just for a quick laugh, of course, that was before I went a little loony myself.  After he lost his bones [all except one though, his spine] he was able to appear thin and well, he could somehow change his shape, he was a formless blob.

Almost, at least he was having lunch in the animal wing of the school [this was for children who believed they were animals] and one day he found he could no longer digest his food.  After eating one of the rat boys, he felt an odd pain in the remaining pieces of bone.  The rat boy had clung to his spinal column, and had begun gnawing on it.  After the rat boy had finished gnawing through it, he started to make a rat hole inside the back of the blob.  It was both disturbing and entertaining at the same time to see a small thin rail of a child pop out of the back of the blob, grab one of the few things off the floor the blob managed to miss, then scurry back inside of the blob.  However, this did not end well for either the blob or the poor little rat boy.  One day, the rat boy left his hole to visit his ‘friends’ in the animal wing, but he had accidentally stumbled into a classroom full of cat children.  The rat boy scurried as fast as he could back to his home inside of the blob, and soon the hole was clogged with a cat person.  Rat people, as you can expect, are much smaller than cat people, and the cat person was stuck inside the rat’s hole.  Somehow, even though the rat had adapted to living inside nondescript organs and jellies, the cat did not last long, and in one of the most bizarre acts of nature ever, the cat persons body re-solidified and fused with the two pieces of the blobs spine.  And whenever the blob would change shape, the cat person part of his spine would snap it back like an elastic band, eventually leading to a syndrome known as ‘Accordion Cat Syndrome’ where ones spinal column will stretch outside of human boundaries- but eventually at a price.  In later cases of this syndrome, which happens randomly [No one knows the cause] sometimes cats would actually grow inside of the persons body. 

The blob never had any children, so I don’t know how this strange ailment could have ever been passed on, but it happens to some poor people, and is incurable.

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