“Where am I?” Bob asked after he was done with the belching, groaning and flatulence.
The HR lady walked over to him and looked down.
“IN MY OFFICE!” she declared.
Bob tried to get up but she pushed him back down with a foot.
“Why?” he asked.
It must have been the way he asked or the single tear rolling down his face that caused a feeling to come over me.
A feeling I never had for Bob, ever never before.
It was pity!
The HR lady must have noticed this because she strode over to me and slapped me quite silly.
When she was done, the burly men came over and did the same.
When they were done, Star Child Two flew over and bashed me quite violently on the head until I almost blacked out.
“Are you better now?” asked the HR lady.
I looked down at Bob and felt……nothing.
I nodded.
Everyone was relieved.
We gathered around Bob.
“Why? You’re asking why?” asked the HR lady.
Bob nodded.
She pulled a belt from her pocket and began whipping Bob.
“Because you sinned!” she said between whips.
The rest of us pointed at Bob and yelled “SINNED!” as loud as we could.
When we got bored with this, the shouting and whipping stopped.
After a few moments of silence, Bob spoke again.
“What’s this on my body?”
“Placenta,” answered the HR lady.
Bob yelped.
“Placenta? PLACENTA? Placenta from where?”
“A BADGER!” was our answer.
Bob began rolling around, trying to get up.
He was really freaking out.
We were amused.
He managed to sit up and looked at us.
“Badger placenta? You know how allergic I am to badger placenta? Do you know what will happen to me if I come into contact with badger placenta?”
We all nodded.
“YOU’LL DIE!” we all said as one.
Lunatic Ravings is posted each Saturday.
Visit the column homepage.
