I saw Betty today. She was eating dinner at Gill’s with an athletic, handsome and obviously dim-witted young man. Her companion had a Herculean body, but his face looked addled as he tilted his head from side to side like a dog staring at its master while they speak human to it. The young buck’s pectorals protuberated from the skin-tight shirt that clung beneath his cheap sports jacket. The shirt was tucked in beneath his belt-buckle, proudly displaying the glossy metal monstrosity. His, no doubt fake, diamond earring sparkled in the dark restaurant. He was a disgusting, meretricious mess. I am not sure that the man is capable of closing his mouth. Not while chewing, nor while breathing. Despite the plethora of pathetic characteristics that radiated from this mongoloid’s aura, it was obvious that Betty was enjoying herself, and that she has moved on. This unexpectedly, but immediately hurt me. The fact that I ended our relationship only compounded my pain. I began to want her back and to condemn myself for ending it. Then I started to examine why I did. It is the same reason I’ve ended all my relationships: she wasn’t intelligent enough for me.
I love Betty dearly, but I always felt that she held me back. I broke it off because I was wasting time with her. Swimming, dancing, laughing and watching the recycled plots of sub par romantic comedies was fun, but my work and my mind were suffering. But was that really so bad? Was it so horrible having a wonderful companion who would occasionally bore me with anecdotes about trivial matters? Am I truly happier now? Seeing her today gave me the greatest epiphany of my life: I should settle. I will die alone if I don’t change. How many beautiful, cheerful and amusing women have I left because they weren’t on my level mentally? I’m through with the pain. I’m going to find a woman that makes me happy, and I’m going to be content for once in my life. Who says being intelligent has to coincide with being lonely?
This revelation reaches far beyond romantic relationships. It extends to my interaction with the entire human race. Why was I picked on throughout my public schooling? Simple, it’s another cause of the gap that existed between my mental capabilities and those of my peers. I knew it, and thought myself above them. They would sense it, and subsequently pummel me. This is why I’ve lived the life of a hermit. I always tried to view myself as some sort of martyr, enduring a solitary life so that others could benefit from my work. Balderdash! I want happiness. I want a lasting relationship that revolves around cuddling instead of philosophical conversations. I want friends that will stumble around with me as we get dangerously intoxicated and sing karaoke. I want the camaraderie that I see in the faces of the average appeased American.
Not only does an intellectual’s life bear the burden of loneliness; it also brings the awful depression caused by an overactive brain. I drive myself crazy with rage over every issue I can imagine, from the rape of my environment, to the world turning a blind eye toward Darfur, knowing all too well that my anger and my efforts will never change anything of importance. There is also the extreme annoyance and borderline insanity that results from a mind that never stops thinking. Insomnia, stress and frustration control my life, because I am constantly overanalyzing and examining everything. I try to find meaning, purpose, cycles and mathematical patterns in the simplest of tasks, like doing the laundry or making toast. Others are able to turn their minds off and take a relaxing vacation from thinking. Oh, how I envy them.
The anonymous narrator of Dostoevsky’s Notes from the Underground once told me “excessive consciousness is a disease… it would, for instance, be quite enough to have the amount of consciousness by which all the so-called simple, direct people and men of action live”. He was able, on some level, to accept and even relish in the loneliness and suffering that resulted from his “excessive consciousness”. I am not. I want to end all this suffering. I want to join the apathetic masses. I’m going to stop caring about globalization’s effect on the quality of wine. I’m going to quit going to the symphony, and quit spending nights alone rereading and analyzing different translations of War and Peace. I’m going to watch sports and discuss meaningless stats with new friends at Hooters, while we gawk at the fake breasts of underage girls. I’m going to enjoy the company of amazing women like Betty, who get annoyed when I discuss how existentialism influenced pop music but will give me fellatio on my birthday. I want to be content to stare at a television screen, instead of frowning as I make critical (though hilarious) comments about everything. I want to be another ignorant, innocent and most of all HAPPY person. The life of the knowledgeable, concerned and caring citizen is gone. Hello ignorant bliss. But how can I accomplish this task?
I reread the myth of Prometheus today. The great Titan gave man fire and knowledge, despite Zeus’s warnings that man was happy, and that Prometheus was confusing ignorance with innocence. Zeus told Prometheus that knowledge would lead to pain, and today I realized that Zeus was right. If it wasn’t for Prometheus, Pandora’s box would never have been opened. And what did Prometheus receive for his efforts? 500 years of having his liver eaten by vultures.
My point is that I’ve made up my mind about saying good-bye to it. I’ve devised a plan to join the mental state of my community, and therefore grasp the happiness that has eluded me for so long. I will simply replicate the habits of my fellow man, and hopefully, will therefore become more like him. For years I have observed the masses wasting their brain cells and lives in front of televisions. People love to kick up their feet, turn their televisions on, their minds off and do and think about nothing for hours on end. This is exactly the state I’m trying to reach: a comatose-like contentment, but this raises the question: does modern man sit in front of predicable and redundant sitcoms because he is already a hebetudinous being, or are these shows driving him to this state? Which came first, the television or the moron? There is only one way to find out.
I don’t know if I can go through with this. It’s not that I’m reluctant to give up the life of an intellectual, it’s that I can’t. I can’t sit here and watch modern television. It’s just too atrocious. Today I watched in horror as five people competed to see who could eat the most raw aardvark ass on some sort of game show. This was followed by a program where fifty former child celebrities tried to win over the heart of a wealthy little person. It was the finale, so the “surprise you’ve been waiting for all year” was revealed: the dwarf was a hermaphrodite (or as Danny Bonaduce, the lucky “winner” of the contest exclaimed after hearing the shocking news, “Whoa! You mean a chick with a dick”). I don’t know if being content is worth this torture. I will try to endure, but this experiment will not go as easily as I first hypothesized.
Eureka! I’ve found the answer. These horrendous shows are so much easier to stomach with a gut full of alcohol. It started with the local news and a six-pack, and soon I was almost enjoying Let’s Trade Families while I slammed Jell-O shots and guzzled margaritas. You just can’t take life so seriously. Instead of critiquing all the stupid little things that exist in today’s “culture”, I’ve learned to just relax, drink and absorb it. It can be a bit humorous, and dare I say… even a little fun.
Today I discovered that the Internet is so much more useful than I originally thought. Before, I only saw the Internet as a research tool for my job, or a great way to compare biases in various media outlets from around the world. What a waste! I spent all day chatting on-line with a woman from Oklahoma. Her name is Sue Anne and she’s really sweet. It’s fun talking via the web, and of course it’s even better with a nice whiskey sour. Sue Anne agrees with me that life is much better when you just sit back and enjoy it, instead of analyzing and trying to change everything. Slowly, I am developing the ability to ignore things that do not involve me directly. What’s the point? Oh, I almost forgot, did you know you can find porn on the Internet? It’s great.
I think my plan is working. At first it was hard to give up the things that once made me happy, but I’ve developed a new routine, and I seem not to be worrying so much, and I feel that I am getting happier. Instead of reading every night I drink a few beers and watch TV. If television begins to bore me I drink a few beers and read magazines articles about the people that I watch on TV. Their personal lives are almost as dramatic as the lives of the characters they play. They seem to get married and divorced and pregnant at the drop of a hat. Oh, and I can even find “private” movies of many of them on the Internet (by private I mean homemade porn. It’s great). I’m still working out my mind, but in different ways. Instead of researching the crimes of the IMF, I’ve started researching the ever changing cycle of which hair color is popular for female movie stars. One week everyone is a blond, the next brunette, sometimes redheads will jump in, and then blond again. It’s like they are all on some schedule together. Maybe they all have the same hair stylist. Sue Anne helps me by recommending TV shows that only discuss Hollywood gossip. She is great. Well gotta go, Judge Joe “The Hammer” Highsmith is on.
Sorry it’s been so long since I’ve written but I write to Sue Anne everyday now and I just don’t feel like writing more than once a day. It makes me sleepy. My plan to be more like the people around me is going really good. I no longer want to read any of those big boring books anymore. I made some friends at a sports bar. We don’t talk politics or any of that stuff I use to like when I was sad and lonely. We talk about girls and cars mostly. They think I should invite Sue Anne up here and I think I will. The bottom line is I’ve never been happier. I just ordered the Fox Reality Channel. It has all my favorite shows like You’re Fat! with Tyra Banks and When Good Pets Do Drugs. I still like FoxNews better though. I’m still drinking a lot but I found out that you can save money on alcohol when your getting low on cash which has happened now that I stopped working by wrapping a towel around a bottle of Glade shaking it up and huffing it. Huffing means you suck the air from inside the bottle into your lungs. My new friends taught me how. It taste like poison but it makes your head go WHAAWHAAA WHAAAWHAAAA WHAAAWAAAA and its fun. They told me next week that they will teach me how to do the same with gasoline.
Crack gets a bad rap. MTV to.
Life has changed so much sense I desided 2 b happy. I have changed 2. The other day I was watching the news and I was watching the president on it and he was saying that even though the reasons for going to war may change that we still need to support the troops and I think hes right. I think that im not getting dumber just happyer cause I understand our president better than I ever did b4. I like him because hes like me were average joes so i no that he understands me and will do things that i would do and I like that cause maybe then it means that someday maybe I could b president 2. I would like that very much. people say that hes say words that aint real words but I think its smart to be able to make up new words and if the president cant make new words than noone should be able 2 cause hes the president!!! i have to go now my brain is hurts
in sted of watching old news now me watch comershyals cause they quickr and they steel tel me what 2 thank wich is nice i so glad i change now everithang make me happy like playing with my ball and watching the usa idol singers i like Jason the best cause he sang AND dance when he cum on i clap and yell at tv which is fun hey guess what dairy very realy good news sue anne is gonna have baby with aaron she cum up to viset and we start look on computar and have some happy fun and now she say i gonna be daddy i hope my kid will b like me i know 1 thing 4sure and that b that me never bean so happy