Why Ham?

Lunatic Ravings!
by Stephen Johnson

The Pretty Reckless—Light Me Up


It was really simple.

“I’m going to Costco on Friday, is there anything you need?”

“Well, I saw some chicken salad that looked really tasty. Just make sure
the expiration date is, like, four or five days dow the road because
then I can have chicken salad sammiches next week.”


See? Simple.

Not really though for when she brought the purchases home, I saw that
the expiration date was Sunday the 24th which gave me two days to eat a
shitload of chicken salad.

Some of you might be thinking, “Well, that’s really THREE days”, to
which you’re wrong because we’re not allowed to eat chicken salad on

That day you can only eat ham. It’s tradition and religious as well.

Many, many years ago Easter egg hunts were really Easter ham hunts.
However within the last 80 or so years some company decided to change
all that and started marketing egg coloring kits and ham went by the

Don’t know how it went from ham to eggs, but it was something to do with
a book written by a doctor.

Little known fact is that when Jesus came back from the dead, he smelled
like ham. According to the apostles, he also tasted like ham. Not that
they wanted to eat him but they really had no choice since he offered it
to them and they could not refuse to eat the body of Him.

One of the apostles thought he tasted like chicken and he was laughed
out of the bunch. Of course it wasn’t like a HA HA! type of laugh, but
more along the lines of a subdued “tee hee”.

But that was enough for that one chicken-loving apostle so he packed up
his ball and went home. The remaining apostles made a pact that every
Easter henceforth they would eat actual ham, just so they wouldn’t have
to eat anymore of Him.

They did agree on the smell in that it was a nice smoky ham scent. They
even tried to market the scent but after many attacks from lions and
bears on those unfortunate enough to wear it, they had to pull the stuff
off the shelves.

So that’s why you have to eat ham on Easter. Ham and nothing else.

All because of Him.

COMING NEXT: Do you know Joe?

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