A Few Small Portions

Korn—“See You On The Other Side”

MoTW—“True Romance”

This is as true as parts 1 & 2 combined.

Since I was underage, the doctor had to wait to operate until my parents
arrived at the hospital. Once there instead of giving the go-ahead to
remove the 50+ bullets embedded willy-nilly in my body, they decided to
question me about my state of mind as the hot lead was entering my soft

Mom assumed that I caused the shooting because I “was most probably
drunk” while my dad disagreed with her reasoning since he felt I was
“obviously whacked out on that ‘merryjuney’ or whatever that stuff is

When I finally convinced them that I was only smoking a Swisher Sweet,
they gave the doctor the go-ahead to remove the foreign metal object
from my body. When they were given the release allowing the use of
anesthetic my mom denied me a blissful sleep since the last time I had
been put under at the dentist’s office I freaked out when I woke up
because I had fallen down a rabbit hole and met all sorts of freaky
characters like talking playing cards and opium smoking caterpillars
which gave me nightmares for years and my parents didn’t want to go
through that hell again.

So for the second time in my life I was operated on without any help
from sleep inducing narcotics/gas. As soon as they cut a slit in my
torso from my neck to my groin and started yanking out my innards in
order to get to the bullets easier I went to my happy place which just
happened to be down that rabbit hole where I met up with the talking
cards and smoking caterpillar again except this time we had a meaty
discussion on the merits of zippers vs. buttons.

When I came back to reality my parents let me know that no charges had
been filed and they apologized for not believing that I had only been
smoking a cigar on top of the building. To make up for not believing me,
they told me they had a suprise for me when I was released from the

Less than 24 hours after surgery the doctor released me from the
hospital after marvelling about my remarkable recuperative powers which
I attributed to the miraculous healing powers of Bactine. My parents
were summoned from their daily cocktail party and they, begrudgingly,
came to pick me up.

Even through their alcohol induced haze my parents still remembered they
had a surprise for me. I was so caught up in their happiness that before
I lay down in the back of the station wagon I let them blindfold me and
put a plastic bag over my head because I didn’t want to ruin their
surprise by using my sight, smell, taste or breath.

When the surprise destination was reached I was pulled from the back of
the wagon and led to a chair. When the bag and blindfold were removed I
found tat I was sitting in a barber chair with an old man holding
electric clippers standing in front of me.

“This will teach you to respect authority,” my dad said as the barber
turned on the clippers. “Your long hair is causing your brain to
malfunction by adding too much weight to your scalp.”

“Yep,” my mom said as she let out a tiny belch.

With that said, the barber began cutting off my blonde locks as my dad
made any escape impossible by holding me down in the chair with a
reverse chokehold.

When the barber was done I found myself with a very unsporty looking
crew cut. I started screaming and kept screaming as we left the barber
shop and then I screamed some more on the drive home. When we pulled
into the driveway I stopped screaming but started screaming again when
my brother and sister started laughing when they saw my new haircut. I
screamed all the way to my room and stopped screaming when I closed the
door but started screaming again when I saw myself in the mirror.

After awhile it dawned on me that my hair would grow back so I stopped
screaming and lay down on the bed and listened to side one of Pink
Floyd’s “Dark Side of the Moon” through headphones until I passed out.

A few minutes I woke up screaming because I remembered that I had to go
back to school the next day with my new ‘do.


COMING NEXT: 4? ‘rome? Mail?

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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