The Letdown That Is The Finale Of The Real True Story Of That Trip

Kim Mitchell—Ain't Life Amazing

MoTW—Funny Money

I suppose I did because I brushed off the road dirt from my custom
fitted jumpsuit, put it on, told Spunky the lowdown of the gushing blood
and then hopped into my 790hp super-super turbo-charged chrome beast and
sped to the nearest grocery store as Spunky ran interference all the
while finding time to hunt down some more of those "Viva Viagra" singing

I finally found a grocery store and screamed into the parking lot,
narrowly missing a family reunion gathering, slammed the
seven-on-the-floor gearshift into P and ran into the store, Spunky still
running interference while finding that it was kind of hard to control
the eighteen wheeler in such tight aisles.

I finally found some heavy duty adhesive strips and ran to the self
checkout lane, trying hard not to breathe in the exhaust too much.
Finally after much horn blaring and and a small issue with the credit
card reader, I was heading home.

I pulled into the driveway, but not before kind of narrowly missing my
fuckwad neighbors and then I was inside, handing the adhesive strips to
the woman who could only sit there in wonderment, for what I though was
wonderment of my kindness, how I took time off from my escapades just to
tend to her, but no. Of course not.

She went into disgusting detail of what she meant when she said she was
bleeding and what she really needed and that I obviously didn't love her
and blah, blah, blah, etc., etc., etc.

Then I remembered I had a shitload of beer in the car so I quickly and
silently crept away as she went on and on about how she really couldn't
plug the hole with an adhesive strip (whatever that meant) but she would
make do with what she had and I silently agreed that, yes, that WOULD be
the best thing to do and then went outside and drank till Spunky finally
showed up, the front grill of the truck chock full of skin, blood, hair,
guitar parts and drum parts and then we drank and drank, reminiscing in
out exploits and what the next year would bring and all sorts of other
guy stuff.

And the moon still shone brightly in the night sky.



And now it's time for this years trip. I about 9 hours, we're hitting
the road, Pennsylvania bound. I've got some really bright, ugly shorts
with pictures of hula girls placed here and there that I picked up today
and have shirt that clashes with it like you would not believe. I'm
debating whether or not to wear black socks with this ensemble, but will
probably chicken out since I have a wee bit of self-esteem.

I convinced the woman that this year I wanted a picture taken of every
rest stop we visit. She thinks it's too weird but I told her this could
be huge especially when I ask total strangers to join in the photo fun
and now she's interested. Imagine that.

I'll also be keeping a diary (with times!) so I don't forget about
anything really, really neat. This will probably be fun the first four
hours of the trip, but will probably go the way of that interview I
thought I was going to get with a actress a few years ago which didn't
pan out because I don't think I really tried too hard. I have ADD and
MDD so you have to forgive me.

And thanks again to Bob once again for telling some inquisitive reader
who I was and writing a little ditty about me which is actually (mostly)
something from The Beatles (when they were good because they were doing
the drugs). But he and they hit the nail on the head. Especially the
part about the paper. So true, it's scary!

COMING NEXT: The Trip Shenanigans

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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