Foreigner—Can't Slow Down
5:35 am: Wake up. Feel refreshed. Watch the usual "Married With
Children" and "Saved By The Bell" mini-marathons. That fucking Screech!
8:45 am: The woman waked up. Wants to know what the plan for the day is.
I tell her anything goes, as long as it doesn't involve that step
9:30 am: We leave the hotel but not before I'm assured that we're not
being followed or watched by anyone. Also make sure our phones are
turned off, don't want to end up buying step sister lunch and having to
fork over another 300 bucks.
10:00 am: Check out my high school. Nothing's changed. Go to the junior
high and that's also not changed. Decide to check out the Catholic
school I was forced to go to (for a "better education").
10:30 am: The Catholic school also has not changed. Where the fuck did I
grow up, in the Twilight Zone?
10:35 am: Chased of the Catholic school grounds by an angry nun. I think
she recognized me. Probably remembers the I'm the one that introduced
Hustler magazine to the school population. Not my fault, I found it
under a rock near the school. Don't know why I was looking under rocks
near the school, but I did and it's made me the man I am today.
11:05 am: Stopped at a bagel place for real bagels with real cream
cheese. Not the "smear" shit they pass off at Einstein Bagels around
here. "Smear" is just another word for what it actually is, runny nose
11:40 am: Went to check out the house from "The Sopranos". It's a house.
12:15 pm: Headed to the Willowbrook Mall. Noted that it's still a mall.
With stores. Just like any other mall in any other state. Of course we
had to stop so the woman could shop.
3:00 pm: I've been sitting on a bench somewhere in the mall for the last
couple hours. I was told she would be right back. I think she left me or
got abducted. Too bad I turned off my phone or I would call the
3:30 pm: The woman shows up with one bag. Inside the bag was one item.
The item was a shower curtain that had been marked down. I didn't bother
asking why it took her almost three hours to pick up a shower curtain.
Some things are better left unknown.
4:30 pm: Finally find the car and head back to the hotel.
5:15 pm: Back at the hotel. The woman goes to reception to extend our
stay. The receptionist seems to be acting very strange.
5;20 pm: Head up to the room. When we get inside, we see that the room
has been ransacked. And there's a horse head lying on my bed. And a
message written with lipstick on the bathroom mirror: "Don't leave me
hungry you explosive bloody vaginal fart".
5:21 pm: The woman calls housekeeping.
5:25 pm: Housekeeping picks up the horse head (acting like they've done
it before) and clean the mirror. I tell them, half-jokingly, that the
toilet paper wasn't triangled at the end making for an easy first pull.
They apologized and gave the first sheet a nifty triangle.
5:30 pm: Order room service. The woman got a salad while I had eight
hard-boiled eggs with mustard.
6:30 pm: Lay down and watched some stupid movie about little people and
red shoes and witches and monkeys.
8:00 pm: Drifted off to sleep.
11:18 pm: Woke up. Remembered that a horse head
had been placed on my bed and someone had written something on the
bathroom mirror. Someone that wasn't us.
11:19 pm: Yep, you know me. I started screaming.
COMING NEXT: So I lied at the end of Part 6. So what?