Another Break Because I’m Sick

Lynyrd Skynyrd—God + Guns

MoTW—Nobel Son

So here I am, sitting in front of the computer and writing something
even though I am sick.

Don't know what it is, but this morning I woke up around 3 am shivering
like a Crackwhore going through withdrawals.

Instead of remaining in the relative warmth of my blanketed cocoon, I
decided to go outside to have a refreshing smoke. Bi mistake since my
hands were shaking so bad I couldn't fully enjoy that early smoke.

Then I had to pee which was another mistake since I peed all over the
bathroom because of the damned shakes. I then crawled back into bed and
watched some tv, kind of drifting in and out of sleep.

A couple hours later I dragged my shaking and shivering ass from bed and
took a VERY hot shower. That kind of worked and I decided I could go to
the grocery store to stock up on some grub. Perfect timing for this
since I wasn't hungry so I wouldn't find myself buying stupid shit.

Before I left though, the woman forced a couple Aleve into my mouth.
Then I noticed the expiration date on the bottle (7/07) and figured I
was going to die. And she didn't care.

Dragged myself through the store, went back home and lay back down. Feel
asleep during "Red Sonja" and then woke up and watched it on another

And I know why I'm sick. It's because of the neighborhood kids.

See, it all started Wednesday night. I was in the office checking out
sit on the internet. The window was open since I like working with
natural light.

So I'm checking out some site, and I hear talking outside. It sounds
like a young girl and a guy and they're talking about how the window was

A few more words were exchanged and I saw one of them walk by the
window. Next thing I heard was the doorbell and I figured they were
selling some school promo shit, but then the one who rang the doorbell
ran by the window.

This really annoyed me. Ringing doorbells and running only leads to
worse stuff like murder and cannibalism and I knew I needed to put a
stop to this right then.

Now, without a fully developed brain, I knew they would be watching the
front door. They would expect me to open the door, walk outside and look
around trying to figure out who rang my doorbell. However, I'm way too
smart for that.

Instead, I went to the garage and walked out the back door. Through the
backyard I went and when I came around the corner of the house, I saw
the two little shits standing in front of the neighbor's house.

They looked a little bit shocked to see me, and when I spoke little
flashes of what hell their life was soon to become flashed across their
evil little faces.

And it only took four words: "Can I help you?"

Off they went, running away like little fucking pansies. I could have
chased them, but what's the point? They're on my list and when they
least expect it, I'll be there. Maybe on the school bus. Maybe in one of
their classes. Little fucking shitheads ARE MINE!

I told the woman about this the next day and she thought it was funny. I
didn't get a really good look at their faces but I assume one of them
lives next door so I told her that when she hands out treats on
Halloween, she needs to make sure they get jackshit if they come up to
the door, since they'll be travelling together. If it's the wrong kid,
too bad. I would rather not give any of the kids anything that night
because they're probably all against me, but the woman is too nice. But,
there's a chance she'll kick one of the culprits in the face that night,
I just really "hope" she kicks the right one. And if she doesn't, no big

Some people will probably get up in arms since they're only kids and it
was only a harmless prank. Well, fuck them too. I don't like pranks. I
don't like little shits fucking around with me. That's just the way it

Oh, and I know they released some virus that's caused me to be sick.
Kids today are evil and they do shit like that. I just know it.

Now I'm sweating profusely. Because of that virus.
From those evil kids.

COMING NEXT: Probably back to that thing unless I die. From that virus.
From those evil kids.

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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