Oh, The Pity

More Lunatic Ravings…

Harem Scarem—Thirteen

MoTW—Dead Snow 2: Red vs. Dead

As I look back at this past year, it has dawned on me that nothing really happened. Is that possible?

Nothing happened and I accomplished zilch?

I guess I did finally learn how to use my Kindle Fire, but is that really anything earth-shattering?

I’m supposed to go to the annual Xmas get together with the woman, and when I am inevitably asked what I’m proud of or what i accomplished during the last year, I very well cannot reply, “I know how to use my Kindle Fire”.  With an answer like that, they’ll look at me as more of an idiot than the slight idiot they’ve always thought I am.

Maybe I could proudly reveal that I’ve gained over 50 lbs the last year, all due to a diet of cream cheese and crackers, taquitos, cigarettes, diet Mountain Dew, internet surfing, movie watching and sleep. I could also reveal that I haven’t left the house for more than an hour 52 times this year, which saved a lot of gas.

The discovery that I can go four days without deodorant before noticing a foul odor emanating from my arm pits could also be brought up. I don’t know if that’s something I should be proud of, but I could consider it research which should make me look a little bit smart.

If I made a Power Point presentation filled with lots of multi-colored graphs and charts showing my research, it would actually look like I accomplished something and someone maybe would be proud of me. Sure, I sat around the house most of the time, but I did complete a project that could be beneficial to someone, maybe.

That sounds like actual work putting together a presentation and then having to talk about it to people who might pretend they don’t feel pity or sadness, so I’m not going to do it. Instead, I’ll go to church with everyone on Xmas Eve but I’ll wait in the car with a book and the Kindle Fire and, if there’s others like me, we’ll get together in the parking lot, light up cigarettes and talk about nonsensical stuff for an hour or so. Maybe someone will bring alcohol and we’ll get drunk as we wait for those getting saved.

Next is that Xmas Eve party where it’ll be the same thing: Xmas music, fake cheer, meats & cheeses, an offer of alcohol which I’ll decline, more fake cheer and me sitting in a corner, away from everyone since they don’t have anything interesting to say.

On Xmas Day, I’ll unwrap gifts that I’m entitled to, then we’ll go to another party where there’s more sitting around and I try to find a spot away from everyone. I’ll eat some ham and potatoes and then I’ll want to leave because there’s something good on tv (or so I say) and then I’ll sit in the basement and watch holiday stuff that makes me depressed and then I cry and wish that everyone loved me. Then I’ll fall asleep and when I wake up on Boxing Day, the previous day will be a distant memory.

What the fuck? Did I just write all that crap?

Blame it on North Korea.

COMING NEXT: Happy sunshine lollipop daze

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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