Mr. Goatee And Testicle Shopping

Chicago—XXXII: Stone Of Sisyphus

MoTW—There Will Be Blood

There's something going on in Bob's land, something I need to know

It's something about Stephen and how he can't read. Is the Stephen he's
referring to actually me? I don't know. He's claimed it's what's coming
next on his last couple columns which pisses me off since I expected it
to be unveiled with last week's column but he throws me a curve and
rambles on about cleaning rooms in his house and spiders and other
assorted shit.

Now you know what heroin laced with Oxyclean can do to you. NOW you
fucking KNOW.

It would help if he answers my calls or visits me in my palatial office
at the corporate offices, but no. He's too busy in the bathroom either
injecting or shitting. And I hate his stupid fucking goatee too.

See, I'm a little bit angry because I recently got hit with a
$75,000,000,000,000.19 lawsuit courtesy of Jerome. You get hit with one
of those and you find yourself pissed off at the world.

Of course I asked what this 75 trillion dollar shit was all about and
his lawyers told me it was because of the bodily harm caused by my dear,
departed Mongo as well as the heavy emotional scarring.

Bodily harm? From an ant? Are you kidding me?

Yes, Mongo did get a bit rambunctious and did claw a few strips of skin
from Jerome's face, but that could be fixed with a tube of Krazy Glue
which only costs a couple bucks. Definitely not worth 75 trillion+

Well, then I found out that one of Jerome's testicles disappeared that
day as well. I remember that day "clearly" and Mongo was nowhere near
his testicles.
I explained this to the lawyers and they told me that that was just the
way it was. Maybe he was so scared he somehow sucked one of his
testicles up into his chest cavity? Nope, they did x-rays just for that
and they found no testicle in any out of the way places.

I grumbled a bit about this and asked if I could find a replacement
testicle, would they drop the lawsuit? They conferred amongst themselves
and, after a lengthy period of laughing, agreed to my proposal, but I
needed to find it within 48 hours since Jerome was currently feeling
less like a man every second that ticked by.

I immediately hit the internet looking for a testicle, but not on Ebay
since I am BARRED FOR LIFE since I tried to sell a shitload of fake
sunglasses a few years ago (so they say). I soon found that testicle
shopping wasn't as easy as I thought it would be. In fact, it was
downright impossible since the market for testicles of any weight, color
or size seemed to be completely dried up.

Saddened beyond belief I started checking out porn sites and when I came
back to the real world I found I only had a couple hours left before the

Then I remembered a joke gift I had received a few years ago and after
rummaging around a few drawers I found what I was looking for.

I took it out of its protective case and molded it into something
resembling a testicle and then grabbed the Sunday paper and gently
pressed it on one of the color comics. I then threw it into an empty
jelly jar and headed to the law office.

WIth minutes to spare I burst into the conference room and presented the
lawyers with the jar and a check for $16.00 for the mental anguish.
Again they conferred and finally accepted my counter-offer only after
forcing me to fork over another dollar so Jerome wouldn't feel

The next day Jerome got his new testicle attached and now he is probably
the only man in the world with a Silly Putty testicle adorned with the
face of Dagwood, all thanks to me. Plus he's $.53 richer (after the
lawyer fees).

COMING NEXT: Goatee fucker better not be talking about me

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!

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