Looking over my fearless ’05 predictions, I noticed that I completely
failed. Only one came true with a small possibility of two coming true
but I don’t have any proof about that second one. Therefore, I batted a
measly .100 which would have me sent down to AAA at best.
However, I did make good on the promise not to use any foul language in
any crap that I wrote in order to become more “family friendly”.
I did stick to my promise which makes me feel good inside but this year
I have decided to say fuck it to that family friendly shit since I have
decided to try to use at least one foul word per piece of crap that I
write since it makes me feel all grown up and stuff.
Besides, foul language makes things funnier, as shown be these examples:
“So I went back and told them that I had ordered the sandwich without
any tartar sauce and asked for either a new sandwich or a refund.”
“Mr. Pimply Fuckface obviously wasn’t listening since there was tartar
sauce on the sandwich even after I told the dumbshit to make sure there
was none on it or I would go and fuck his mommy AND daddy and maybe the
dog too if I was still in the mood.”
As you can see, the second one is funnier by far because of the foul
language. At least it is to me since I am immature and feel that using
vile language gives me a feeling of power and stuff like that there and
things. That I can do. Today if not tomorrow. Maybe. If I feel like it.
But enough already, let’s see what my magic balls have come up with for
1) Britney and Kevin will split up. She’ll go on to record the biggest
selling album of all time which will go on to become the best album EVER
made. Kevin will be denied work at Crackwhore Village and will try that
immersion reporting thing only to be shot by an 8 year old girl on the
first day of hunting season when he’s “accidentally” mistaken for a
2) The Mets will end up ahead of the Braves in their division. (Hey, I
hope for it every year so it’s got to come true eventually.)
3) It’s really a pillow. Katie’s career is over, Tom just keeps on
4) Monkeys actually fly out of someone’s butt making that slow news day
something really special.
5) That promised sequel to “Making the Grade” will finally be made.
6) The ant flu will finally rear it’s ugly head on a vacation isle where
there’s a giant queen ant making all the tourists sick by spraying them
with some noxious gas until an unlikely hero steps forward and torches
the queen and her many giant minions but it doesn’t make a difference
since the tourists are infected with the virus which they unwittingly
take back home. Panic will ensue.
7) “Surf II” will finally be released on DVD along with “Breaking All
the Rules”, “Prime Risk” (cause I like the Toni Hudson) and “The
Challenge”. (Okay, not a prediction, just a wish list of some movies I
like for some reason.)
8) At least two more images of Jesus/Virgin Mary will show up on
something where you’d least expect to find it. I’ll have a bowel
movement that looks like Dakota Fanning and I’ll go temporarily insane
as I crush the wet feces in my hands until it looks like a mushed pile
And that’s all my balls have shown me.
COMING NEXT: Either reader email or back to that Jerome business