Saint Garion Goes to the Bahamas

Married on Friday the 13th of October my bride and I ventured outside of the U.S. thinking, “Hey that Bahamas place might be a nice place to visit.” Well we were wrong, dreadfully wrong. The place is in a persistent state of decay, and the natives were some of the most aggressive sales people I’ve run into since going to a Baptist church. The worst part of the trip was the fact that the Lord couldn’t come with us onto the cruise ship. Customs Guy: “No sir, the Lord has no-place on the cruise ship, and they may try to eat him on shore.”

And now after what seems like several months of godless sin and debauchery I return to you, as a married man.

I’ve gotten mail!

Dear Bel,

I have this friend that is currently very unhappy with me, or the things that I do. I don’t really understand it much myself because he really isn’t talking to me much about it. The thing that I did that has caused me to incur his displeasure this last time was that I moved to Tallahassee to get settled into the city (find a job, a place to live) so I could begin school at FSU in the fall. The situation I moved from was living with my fanatical mother (she thinks George W. is God), working at a crap job and taking one class at a time at the community college there.

I had to delay my leaving for Tallahassee later because …bla-bla* I left for Tallahassee (the next logical step, since I needed to get a new job before I could even entertain the thought of vacation of any kind).

This is what has made him feel “backburnerd” by me. I left a shitty living situation and a job that was unreliable and not at all meeting my needs financially. I moved to the city where I hoped to find work and a place to live, so I can continue my education so that my future will be secure. He feels that because I could not visit him and because I am not taking classes at FSU this fall …bla-bla*.

Because of this : I “backburnerd” him, so now he is being an asshole towards me, he says I’ve hurt him so much that he doesn’t care anymore. He says I’ve “backburned” my friends so I “could make choices that will likely get me nowhere.” Because in his eyes, I have not improved my situation at all in moving, I have just incurred an extra expense because now I have to pay rent.

The truth is, I don’t believe that I “backburnerd” him. My situation has improved greatly, instead of making $120 a week, I make $300 a week. Instead of living with a crazy fanatical bitch that thinks she’s god’s chosen, I live with a normal person that is actually happy and enjoyable to be around. I have gotten the foothold that I needed, I intend on taking classes next semester, and I will get into FSU. Although what I had planned on happening isn’t exactly what happened, I am still a lot closer to achieving my goals than I was before.

So this is why I don’t understand why he’s mad or hurt by my actions. I don’t understand any of it at all. I hope you will be able to shed some light on this for me with your divine wisdom.

Yours truly,


* I’ve omitted some of the bits that were personal justifications, details, or explanations, replacing them with ‘…bla-bla’ in the interests of time.

Dear Ewe,

I must confess that your consistent use of the word “I” reminded me of God. Always talking about himself, Jesus fucking Christ. “I sent my only son to hang on the cross…”give it a fucking rest. The lord is right here, and look I’m giving him a treat.

This is why people don’t talk to God directly anymore but instead have to go through a spokesperson like a prophet, saint, or the Lord. My advice to you is simple; deal with difficult people as if you are a god. Just figure out what kind of god you want to be.

Will you be a selfless god? “I forgive you ‘cause that’s just what I do to feel divine.” (This could be impractical, unless you are a god or a dog.)

Will you be the angry mountain god? “I will rain sulfur and brimstone down on you and flood your town, and turn someone important into salt.” (Not recommended unless you have access to columns of fire.)

Will you be a passive god? “Dude, woah, you like are totally selfish and it’s kinda beautiful.” (You and your friend are selfish, and so what?)

Will you be a judging god? “I cast you out of my presence, for I cannot tolerate yours, and I hope it’s really unpleasant for you.”

Hope this helps,

Saint Garion

Saint Garion

Bel Garion, who also goes by the name Saint Garion started writing columns in our early years and continued to 2006. He often refers to "The Lord" and "Buddah" which are the names of his dogs which speak to him on a regular basis.

One thought on “Saint Garion Goes to the Bahamas

  1. Ewe,

    You seem like a cool chick that putting herself through school and trying to make something of her life. Sometimes friends want you to fail so they won’t see like such big losers. Yeah it might suck, but sometimes you have to watch-out for yourself and put you first. That doesn’t mean you are a bad person, it just means that you realized that nobody has to live your life but you. You are making choices that will make your life better. Don’t let this guy being jerky get you down. Find new friends that think you are the bee’s knees, and understand that you are trying to make your life better. Life takes sacrifices you have to ask yourself, “Do you want a better life or friends that want to see you fail?”

    I applaud you going back to school. I know how hard that can be.


    p.s. The Raining of Sulfur is a lot harder then it sounds.

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