3:00 pm: Entered New Jersey. Disguise on. Contacted the step sister and
told her we would be in town shortly. She sounded……really thrilled.
The cops at the border seemed to be eyeballing me so I flipped them off
and sped away. Got lost in traffic. Score 1 for me.
3:30 pmish: After many, many years, back in my hometown. Drove up the
main drag just looking at stuff. Nothing had changed. Nothing. Still the
same hookers and titty bars. How quaint. Made sure the firearms were
loaded in case there was a tussle. Or if I was recognized.
Got tired of driving around and not being able to use the guns, so we
decided to find a hotel. Drove back down the main drag and almost
stopped at Knight's Inn, but there was a cop car in the parking lot with
it's pretty flashing red lights on. Decided that wouldn't be a good
place to stay.
Stopped at Red Roof Inn, but they didn't have a pool. Found a listing
for a Best Western in the magazine the woman had picked up at one of the
rest stops, so we drove back up the main drag thinking we had passed it.
Couldn't find it so headed back down the road. Thought maybe Best
Western was past the Red Roof Inn but that was completely fucking wrong.
Headed in the other direction again and this time, at the Y in the road,
took the left instead of the right and we were somewhere with no hotels.
I started getting angry. The woman began screaming at me, calling me all
sorts of nasty names. I really didn't need that shit.
Finally passed a hotel. And then another and, surprise, it was the
fucking Best Western. Yay.
5:30 pm: Got a room for two nights. Non-smoking which meant that I would
have to go outside to smoke. Oh well.
Step sister called again and asked where we were, told her to hold her
fucking horses and that we would meet up with her when I was damned good
and ready to.
Lay down for a few minutes and turned on the tv. Decided to take a
shower. Decided that could wait and watched some more. The woman told me
it would be wise for me to get ready to meet up with the step sister so
I went ahead and took a shower, but wasn't too happy.
Got directions from the step sister and we took off (for those wondering
what time that was, get a fucking life. I have no idea). Was told by the
step sister that her eight children would be waiting for us to show up
because they were really excited to see us. Told the woman that and she
thought it was cute and then wasn't too happy when I told her I thought
it was stupid and sappy.
Found the right street where the step sister resides and then found the
house and, sure enough, there was a gaggle of kids milling around the
front yard. As we drove up the stopped their milling and looked at the
car expectantly, so I drove by the house. The look they gave must be the
same look kids give their parents when they're told that Santa Claus
DOESN'T FUCKING EXIST. Priceless.
Wanted to go and find a bar, but a quick whack to the head from the
woman put a stop to that and I made a u-turn and headed back to the step
sister's residence. I tried grazing a couple of the children with the
car, but they had lightning fast reflexes and jumped out of the way in
the nick of time.
I said a silent prayer to BiViD and we exited the car. The kids
descended on us like a mass of rabid locusts and were were soon deluged
with requests for chocolate, cigarettes, food, Jack Daniels, food,
shoelaces, soap, food, stamps, blankets and even more food. Sadly, I
only had one of the things requested and happily obliged the little tots
by opening a pack of smokes and throwing the delicious tobacco sticks
into the air. They pounced on them when they hit the ground and a few
fights broke out which made me chuckle.
Then the front door of the house burst open and I heard a high-pitched
shriek which caused every open orifice on my body to immediately spew
And then the fun started, Jersey-style!
COMING NEXT: The next part which would obviously be part 3.