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Lunatic Ravings

By Stephen Johnson

I don’t care what your weatherman says, Stephen is the first blogger in the world with the first column published in 1999.

We’ve been writing our columns since 1999 and still nobody reads them…but they just keep coming!

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  • The Journey To HR, Part 72!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I stayed hidden behind (or in front of) the sapling for a few days. Nobody seemed to notice the empty lot where a house used to be. A dog peed on my leg. I didn’t move. I just watched. And silently whimpered. On the third day, under the cover of darkness, I decided to move. As soon as I stepped…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 71!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Instead, she hit me over the head with the empty bottle. “OW!” I whelped. “Now what?” “Now we wait,” she said, walking by me and then throwing herself in a patch of pachysandra across from the house with the open garage. She hid really well. I then heard a voice. “Hide behind that sapling!” it commanded. I was suddenly scared.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 70!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I followed the Pinto limo. When it stopped at a red light, I ran into the back of it. Guess I wasn’t paying attention. The limo exploded. The light turned green and the burning remains of the limo took off. I sighed and followed again. A few hour later, we found ourselves in a place with houses. The limo stopped.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 69!
    by Stephen Johnson
    A person stood above me. They were wearing chain mail. That’s why I heard chain mail.. “Say,” said the person in the chain mail. “Which way to the Renaissance Faire?” “Do you mean ‘Fair’”? I asked, still a bit groggy. “Nope, I mean what I said. Now, which way to the Faire?” they asked as they twirled a wooden sword…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 68!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The door to bar opened. In walked the HR lady. She was followed by five burly men. Star Child Two floated in. I hopped off the bar. The bartender put away the machete. Star Child Two flew down to the HR lady. He buzzed around her head for a few seconds. “Got it,” she said and pointed at me. “THAT…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 67!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I looked around for an avenue of escape as the ninjas closed in. In the distance I spotted what I was looking for. I ran. The ninjas followed. When I got close enough, I dove. I grabbed the still-flaming box. I threw it towards the ninjas. The box came apart midair and poo and flaming box remnants rained down on…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 66!
    by Stephen Johnson
    After the sigh was done, I thought to myself. I poop a LOT. That’s what I thought. Then I remembered where I was. I watched the cop running towards the scofflaws. The little male lawbreaker was running around with his arms flailing above his head. The lady grabbed his arm, slapped him about the face a couple times and then…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 65!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “WHAT’S IN THE BOOOOOOOOOOX!” I screamed again, maybe hoping for an answer from HR. There wasn’t any. I opened the box. I did not look in the box. I squatted over the box. I pooped in the box. I found a leaf and wiped myself clean. I got up and closed the box. Again, I did not look in the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 64!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I walked for a bit, a little hungry and a little thirsty. Yet no need to poo! I walked a little bit more. Came across Frank Stallone and a bunch of his pals gathered around a large metal drum. They were singing as they warmed their hands from that fire coming from that metal drum. I nodded at them. They…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 63!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The HR lady carried me outside and then dumped me on the ground. She took keys from her purse. She jangled them in front of my face. “Gotta go!” she yelled as she continued the key jangling. “But….what about me?” I asked as the tears and snot started forming again. “DON’T CARE!” she yelled as she walked away. “I’m off…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 62!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Then came a knock at a door. We looked around for the door. The door we were looking for opened. We backed up. Scared. “There’s a door?” I asked as sweat poured from my face. “Of course there’s a door!” said the HR lady. “How do you think you got in here?” I thought about that for a moment. “Oh…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 61!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The giggles continued. Then they stopped. “So…….” began the HR lady. “Who is this ‘I’ entity?” I asked. “EXACTLY!” she responded. Star Child Two flew around, nodding savagely. “Does it hurt to nod savagely?” I asked myself. “I would think so,” said the HR lady to herself. Star Child Two continued nodding. Life continued on in that room as we…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 60!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, I did and you did. Therefore, we both did,” said the HR lady. “No,” I said, starting to get that peeved feeling. “No?” That almost peeved me even more. “No!” “No,” said the HR lady, almost in a whisper. I let out a peeved sigh. “Someone spoke. Not me. Not you. Sure as heck not Star Child Two!” Star…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 59!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Dingo?” I asked warmly. “Dingo!” the HR lady purred. “Which means…..?” “The ‘Dingo Ate My Baby’ dance!” exclaimed the HR lady. And that’s what we did. Star Child Two helped by acting out a dingo eating a baby. It was quite ferocious. And bloody. But not REALLY bloody since it was just a baby. Therefore, less blood. We almost stopped…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 58!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, it really is but it’s just something to do to pass the time,” said the HR lady. We both stared at the split open head, just to pass some more time. When that time was passed we passed some more time by doing nothing. “Retsyn dance?” asked the HR lady. “Nah,” I said. “That fun is most probably over.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 57!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome and I continued our Retsyn dance as the HR lady collapsed to the floor, panting heavily. Star Child Two continued its cadence bonking, now with the desk lamp. “This is just WAAAAAAY too much fun!” I gleefully shouted. This must have triggered something in Jerome’s body. It stopped dancing and looked around as only a headless body can do.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 56!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Retsyn,” I said, still lying on the floor. Star Child Two hummed something from its spot on the floor. The HR lady didn’t say anything. “RETSYN!” Jerome screamed again. “RETSYN, RETSYN, RETSYN, RETSYNRETSYNRETSYNRETTTTTTTTSYNNNNNNNNNNNN!” He was now running around the room, acting like a cat that just had the best poop of its life. Star Child Two rose off the floor,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 55!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome began to hop around excitedly. “Does it burn?” I asked, smiling largely. “Does it feel like your head skin is melting?” asked the HR lady, smiling even more largely. “NO!” happily yelled Jerome. “Oh,” I said and stopped smiling. “Sad,” said the HR lady who also stopped smiling. “It just might smell like rancid cottage cheese…….,” began Jerome. I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 54!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Fine. FINE!” yelled Jerome after discovering there really were no exits. “What happened to the exits?” I asked the HR lady. She shrugged. As did I. Jerome walked over to one of the puddles of Star Child Two’s leavings, got down on all fours and licked away. “Disgusting!” the HR lady exclaimed. “Yeah, well, remember that’s it’s all for science,”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 53!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “But it’s not your normal gas,” said Jerome. We were now intrigued. “TELL US MORE!” we screamed in unison. “Well, when I pass the gas, it’s not really gas,” said Jerome. “When I check my drawers, there’s only strands of this pink substance and I never eat pink food. It’s a religious thing.” Star Child Two, still in the corner,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 52!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Grape Nuts, both dry and wet, fell out of my now gaping mouth. “GRAPE NUTS!” Jerome screamed as he stood up. Grape Nuts, mostly wet with a few dry ones, fell out of the HR lady’s now gaping mouth. I closed my mouth and swallowed whatever Grape Nut remnants remained. “Say, do you want some?” I asked Jerome as he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 51!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Grape Nuts!” the HR lady yelled. “With milk?” I asked. “Of course not!” she replied. “We eat them dry!” “THAT’S THE BEST!” I hollered. “I KNOW!” she hollered back. We grabbed large cups and filled them to the rim with Grape Nuts. And then we started to eat those crunchy little morsels, every now and then throwing a few nuggets…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 50!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We did nothing but stare at Jerome’s prone body for awhile. Then we got lost in our own private thoughts. Finally it was nap time. When we woke up, Jerome was still lying motionless. “Are these his brains?” asked the HR lady while kicking at some pinkish-gray clumps that were oozing from Jerome’s head. Star Child Two swooped down to…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 49!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome stood up and wiped the tears from his face. “That was a complete waste of time!” he yelled. “What was?” I asked, feeling THAT anger rise. “THAT STORY!” he yelled, but in a higher pitch. “Well, well, well,” said the HR lady while still sitting on the floor. Star Child Two started humming something in quite the angry way.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 48!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Well, let’s hold on for a moment,” I said. “This reminds me of something from a long, long time ago!” The HR lady and Jerome sat down on the floor an watched me with rapt attention. Star Chile Two hovered an inch or so above the floor an watched me with rapt attention. “See, I was working in a car…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 47!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “What’s even worse is now he’s listening to Billie Eilish,” said Jerome. I choked on the crumpet. The HR lady choked on the tea. Star Child Two choked on his humming of “When The Levee Breaks”. I quickly performed the Heimlich Maneuver on myself and the lodged crumpet piece shot out of my mouth and hit Jerome in the face.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 46!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “YOWZA!” yelled Jerome. He stopped twitching. I stared at him. The HR lady barely glanced at him as she continued searching for some tea. Star Child Two continued its flight, now humming something that could have been “Canary In A Coalmine”. “That’s….it?” I asked, completely letdown. “Yeah,” said Jerome. “Just some aftereffects from all those visits to Crack Whore Village!”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 45!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When the song and dance was over, we bowed to each other as Jerome continued crying. “Lady,” I said. “Lord,” said the HR lady. “OH, WOULD YOU BOTH STOP!” yelled Jerome. Star Child Two flew down and smashed into Jerome’s head repeatedly. “Ow. OW!” screamed Jerome. “Shall we get some crumpets?” I asked the HR lady. “Oh, yes,” she replied.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 44!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Of course, I told him no. He was wet and greasy and his hair was a little bit on fire.” “Just like the typical Bob,” I muttered. “Yep, sounds just like Bob,” said the HR lady. Star Child Two didn’t say anything but started humming something that could have been “The Bob Song”. “Well, he offered me some caramel creams…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 43!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Jerome continued yakking. “He filled the bathtub with cold water, dumped the whole bottle of bubble bath in, and then sprayed the bubbles with WD40. Then, fully clothed, he dove into the tub and was under the bubbles, water and WD40 for quite a long time, so long that I was praying that he was finally dead. But, no.” This…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 42!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Star Child Two stopped humming. “I LOVE FUN PARTS!” it bellowed and then continued humming something that could have been “Peg”. The HR lady shrugged her legs like she couldn’t have cared any more about fun parts. I just really, really didn’t care since one persons “fun parts” really aren’t fun. To me. “Bob’s short. I’m tall,” said Jerome. I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 41!
    by Stephen Johnson
    He who agreed and who we were pointing out just a bit earlier walked towards us, dragging something behind him. It made that familiar wet and sloshy sound. “Hey, Stephen!” he said as he tried to shake off whatever was caught on his feet. “Jerome?” I asked, quite stunned. “Jerome?” asked the HR lady, not as stunned as I. Star…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 40!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “That was deep!” screamed the HR lady. Star Child Two remained in its exploded state. “Maybe I should pause for a bit, maybe wait until the new year to continue? That way we all can get our thoughts and….desires in order,” I said, trying to sound as authoritative as possible. What we had been pointing at earlier agreed. “Agreed!” he…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 39!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I stopped pointing at what I was pointing at while the HR lady continued pointing. “If infinity is just a word and not a number, how could Chuck Norris have counted to it TWICE? Does that make him a super-duper being or what?” The HR lady stopped pointing at what I was previously pointing at and stared at me. “Whoa.”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 38!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We stopped pointing at what caused our surprised yelps. We stood there, still stunned. After a few moments, but what felt like minutes, I decided to speak. “I can’t decide if I want a cigarette or pudding right now.” “Seems like we have lots of time, so why not have both?” asked the HR lady. “I don’t have any pudding!”…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 37!
    by Stephen Johnson
    We wiped the sick from around our mouths, but let it fester on the floor. There was a loud tearing sound from the poop room. “My goodness,” said the HR lady. “Is someone tearing someone else a new…….” “NO!” I yelled in response. Then came to wet sounds from the poop room. Wet, sloshy sounds. “Hope they’re not doing whatever…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 36!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Yes. Yes he does,” I said as I eyed his prone body. I grabbed my handy tape measure and measured him with that same tape measure I just happened to have, from one of the many pockets I also just happened to have. “Yes, definitely taller,” I said. Bob spryly leapt to his feet as though he were someone 60…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 35!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Then she vomited some more. Star Child Two swooped down and slurped up a chunk of the vomit. Then it vomited. So did I, just to join in. “Really? Bob?” I asked when I was done. “REALLY!” she screamed. We were then silent as we debated what to do. “Should we open the door?” asked Star Child Two. “Should we…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 34!
    by Stephen Johnson
    Quite suddenly, I became sad. As the two still sat in awe, I told them something that scarred me for life. “I remember when I worked in a factory building the good old Edsel.” They were no longer in awe, but I continued. “The wife was in the hospital, just about to give birth to a bunch of octopi. See,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 33!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Yep,” I said. “Have a seat and let me tell you about that day……” The HR lady sat down and Star Child Two just hung there. I told them about that day. When I was done they sat in silence. They were awed. So was I, just remembering that joke. See, it’s quite funny especially if you’re getting or are…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 32!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “You know?” I asked with an all-knowing wink. She winked back. Sexy. “No, but I’m sure you’ll tell me.” Star Child Two finished its business and came roaring back. “Tell us. TELL US!” it bleated. HR lady gave me a look that I knew meant that she knew that I was doing this only to waste time. “Do you know…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 31!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “So?” asked the HR lady. “How did he take it?” “Not well. Not well at all,” I replied, gleefully rubbing my palms against my sweaty thighs. Star Child Two zipped around the room, until he too began rubbing his palms gleefully against my sweaty thighs. And then he started on my loins. “Aren’t you worried about any repercussions?” it asked…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 30!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Quick!” shouted the HR lady. “You have to do it now!” “Do what?” “BEAT HIM!” “Who? Star Child Two? I mean, he did say I was kind of…sexy.” “NO! Come on, idiot boy! BEAT BOB!” “You mean……” “YES!” “NOW?” “Yessssssssssssss!” “Okay. Say, what’s your name?” “Nevermind. Do it. DO IT!” As I prepared to “do it” I looked up at…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 29!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “Know what?” I asked as I placed the crazy wig on my bleeding head. “I don’t know?” asked the HR lady. “Is that a question? Do you really not know? A minute ago it seemed that you DID know and now you’re acting like maybe you do know, but there’s also that possibility that you DON’T know and….say, do you…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 28!
    by Stephen Johnson
    And that’s what Star Child Two did. It licked my head. Unlike a cat’s groovy tongue, Star Child Two’s tongue was covered in teeny tiny razor blades. It licked and licked and those glorious locks of my full head of hair began falling to the ground. “Just a little off the top,” I said, probably trying to be humorous. It…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 27!
    by Stephen Johnson
    “I shall be known as Star Child Two,” said the orb. “Should it be ‘the orb’ or ‘The Orb’?” I asked, really wanting to know. It thought for a moment and then starting waving around its tiny T-Rex arms. “Did you not hear what I said?” “Well, I did but……” “CALL ME STAR CHILD TWO!” it yelled in its tiny,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 26!
    by Stephen Johnson
    After the door closed, I sat in the same position for over an hour, still slightly drooling. Finally, I came to my sense. “Did that really happen?” I asked the HR lady. “It did. It really, really did!” “I no longer have to poop!” I said while squeezing to see if something DID come out. “You’re going to be a…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 24!
    by Stephen Johnson
    The faint knocking grew louder. “Are you going to answer the door?” asked the HR lady. “Me?” “No, the pink rabbit you stupid, stupid fool,” she answered. I couldn’t tell if she was kidding. It was really hard trying to pry my hands away from DOWN THERE. Don’t know why. Not like I was har… The pink rabbit answered the…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 23!
    by Stephen Johnson
    ….I passed out. As I lay there (I think), breathing in that sweet, tangy Lysol scent, I was reminded of that time that…. No. I won’t go there. I removed my hands from DOWN THERE. Now was not the time. I thought about doing that HR lady trick and tried to rip myself from my current body. Tried as I…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 22!
    by Stephen Johnson
    There was a horrible, slurpy tearing sound. I looked at the prone body of the HR lady and that’s where the sound was coming from. The body moved. I thought she was coming out of her silly faint. Instead, her body tore apart and the HR lady climbed out of herself. She was a bit shorter. Obviously. “Hurry,” she said.…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 21!
    by Stephen Johnson
    I answered the phone, as you sometimes should do. “Yes?” I asked in as timid a voice as possible, just in case this was a scammer. “Is this Stephen Johnson?” “Yes?” in that still timid voice. “Hey there! This is Cornelius Sproot with [redacted]! Got your email about that thing you designed and we’re very intrigued!” “Oh?” “YES! This will…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 20!
    by Stephen Johnson
    When I woke up, there was no millipede. I also wasn’t hanging upside down. But it felt like something was being jabbed into each armpit. I looked down and saw the HR lady. She had me suspended in the air with two broomstick handles jabbed into those armpits. She walked around the office holding onto the bottom of the broomsticks,…
  • The Journey To HR, Part 19!
    by Stephen Johnson
    It felt like it had legs. I could feel those legs tickling my throat so I took a deep breath, and hocked myself a loogie. Most of the phlegm just dripped into my eyes, but I did see something else fly out of my mouth before I was blinded. “Lordy, lord! I am now blind!” I yelled for no particular…

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