Why Can’t I Leave This Alone?

King’s X—“Ogre Tones”

MoTW—“The Stepfather”

So the government is recommending that we start conserving energy which
I think is a brilliant idea. However, just recommending it won’t be
enough for some idiots out there so I think something drastic needs to
be done to drive home the point.

How many times must I be terrorized by someone driving an obscenely
large SUV who likes taking up two lanes because they haven’t yet
mastered chewing gum and walking much less driving and talking on their
cell phones? 9 out of 10 times they’re having some total inane
conversation with their like-minded friends as they waste gas in their
precious monstrosity of a vehicle so that they’re not too late for their
manicure/hair appointment. One driver in this huge beast of a machine
that gets maybe 17 MPG on a good day just so their hair looks good
enough for their friends coming over later for some cocktails and

So, let’s start our conservation with those type of people. If someone
in a large vehicle that gets limited MPG is spotted driving alone, they
need to be pulled over and asked why they’re driving alone. Oh, you’re
going shopping for a Hello Kitty present for your daughter’s best
friend’s birthday? Why, that’s nice and all but there was nobody else in
your neighborhood that needed to go shopping too? $50.00 fine!

Lessee, let me think of a rather large, gas eating
vehicle……….hmmmm……..why yes, it’s my FAVORITE vehicle, the
Humvee! I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: I have never seen
more than 1 person in a Humvee. You could fit a small country (or 2
starving countries) in this vehicle, but the people that drive them are
too arrogant and conceited and just want to be noticed because they’re
special (not in the Olympic way) and that’s why they step out of their
vehicle with that holier-than-thou look on their face because they drive
a vehicle that serves no special purpose to the civilian population.

Ask them to leave their monster vehicle home and drive something that’s
a little bit more fuel efficient and it’d be like telling Paris Hilton
she has developed a brand new social disease never seen before which
caused every orifice on her body to magically seal shut so she’ll
probably never get work in Hollywood again unless she becomes extra
proficient in the hand jo………no, it’s probably not like that at

What those drivers will feel is that their false sense of superiority
over those that drive vehicles that are more fuel efficient will be lost
if they had to drive something more sensible.

We must rise up and fight these people! Next time you see a Humvee (or
any other gas hog) in a parking lot, wait around and see what they need
the vehicle for. Did they need it to transport that orphan baby
elephant? Are they loading up boxes upon boxes of food for the local
homeless shelter? Probably not. They needed to take it out to get 4 bags
of groceries or fill up the gas can for the lawn mower. Go up to these
people and ask them if it was worth it for them to waste so much gas on
a simple task. Explain to them that you’re tired of spending so much
money on gas because of people like them, only make sure you’re polite
about it.

If they refuse to listen to you, flatten their tires when they’re not
looking. Follow them home if need be and continue to flatten their tires
until they get the message.

Fantasia has admitted she’s illiterate. Go figure.

COMING NEXT: The crate fetish is over.

Stephen Johnson

The idea of building a website with Bob came from Stephen in the days of message boards and chat rooms. We settled on the name TheWeirdcrap.com and the rest is history. Retired since he hit the ripe age of 25, he spends most his time doing odd-jobs around the house and digging thru trash bins for "stuff that's still good." Stephen has contributed several short stories and hosted the "Lunatic Ravings" column since the beginning (1999). The idea of writing weekly columns came from Stephen before blogs or blog sites ever existed. So, I guess that makes him THE FIRST BLOGGER IN THE WORLD!!!


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